Cold

It's snowing again.
My fingers feel like ice.
I feel sort of sluggish today.
My head is full of icy water.
It's heavy.
My thinking isn't clear.
I keep seeing things that aren't there.
Flashbacks are killing me.
I had a nightmare I've never had before last night.
I hate being touched.
I can't stand it.
I woke up shaking.
I couldn't breathe.
My skin was crawling.
I wanted to rip it off but there were too many people around this morning.
I ate too much.
160 calories.
No fat.
I feel like I've ballooned.
I need a cigarette.
I've been watching Black Swan.
I love her body.
But all these sex scenes make me feel disgusting.
I think I'll make coffee.
I mean it's just more calories but the caffeine will kill my hunger pains and boost my metabolism.
And it'll only be thirty five or so calories.
No fat.
I feel terrified of food today.
This doesn't really happen all that often.
Fuck.
I'm just going to go make coffee.
And stay away from my brother.
And just people in general.
<3 Stay strong
CHEERS

I miss Lukas

I got one text today.
One.
In about twenty minutes I'm saying fuck it and going the fuck to sleep after I cut.
Today fucking sucks.
I hate that I twitch.
I hate how fat and disgusting I am.
I hate me.
I hate everything about me.
I wish I could just find my fucking pills and take them.
I promised I wouldn't.
Lukas said he'd kill me.
Fuck.
<3 stay strong.
CHEERS
P.S.
Stay strong took on a whole new meaning after the third suicide attempt now it means don't try and kill yourself. Don't take all those fucking pills. Don't try and slit your wrists open. Don't try and hang yourself. Don't try and jump in front of moving cars. No jumping off buildings. I don't have a gun but if I did it would be no blowing my fucking brains out. Dear god if I had a gun I'd be dead by now. Fuck. God I wish I had a gun.

138.9lbs

I painted my nails.
Now I'm cutting because I'm a royal fuck up.
Php isn't bad.
Oh wait forgot to tell you.
Yeah I have out patient therapy.
In which I'm forced to go in and attend groups.
Yes it is exactly as you think it is.
Except.
I have friends from inpatient there.
Which makes me feel better.
I won't get better.
I'll probably spin my bullshit fake my smiles and lie my way through this shit.
I'm never getting better.
I was three days cut free. Oops.
I fuck everything up.
Lukas makes me feel amazing about myself.
If it weren't for him I would be dead.
Even if Dad would have found me after I took the pills.
I would have killed myself after.
He's probably the only reason I'm still alive right now.
I mean I love my family and Samantha but I don't talk to them.
Lukas is just the person who gets it and doesn't expect me to get better right away.
He doesn't expect anything of me.
He asks little things like "Try not to purge today."
And I can manage that but everything else everyone is asking is overwhelming.
It's suffocating and I can't breathe.
I wouldn't be sitting here with an exact-o knife in hand and a razor blade beside me if it was easy for me.
It's funny because people expect me to just stop self harming.
Well why don't you go ask that pack-a-day smoker over there to stop smoking right now?
They expect the pills to start taking effect in two days and for me to magically stop feeling suicidal.
No it doesn't work that way.
Sweetheart(s) I have been fantasizing about putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger for years.
I love to imagine my brain juicies splattering all over Dad's precious white carpeting.
I wish that we get into a car accident ever time I'm in the car.
I want to be the only one that dies and I want to go through the fucking windshield.
I want them to scrape my mangled body off the asphalt.
And they think this is me getting better?
The fucking doctors just ignore me when I say I hate the goddamn zoloft so why tell them?
Fuck it.
Why tell them a goddamn thing if they never bother to even listen?
No
one
is
listening.
Ever.
I promise.
Don't let yourself get fooled because they don't actually give a fuck about you.
You are just dollar signs baby. Nothing else.
 That's to the doctors and the business world.
But.
To Lukas.
I'm just someone to text until 4:00am.
It's magical.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS
P.S.
Dad took me out to dinner because he was a jackass and I had to eat a full meal so fingers crossed for the scale tomorrow.

141.2lbs

So close to the 130's I can almost taste it.
Dad knows I didn't eat dinner last night because I was too busy talking to Lukas to stage it.
But he forgot.
So it's all good.
Breakfast this morning was yogurt:80 calories shared with my Honey.
It's so cute. She absolutely loves yogurt.

In other news since I've been so busy talking to Lukas I haven't had time to cut.
So I'm officially two days cut free.
But.
I think my cuts are infected.
Yay.
This kid is amazing.
I'd share the love but you can't have him.

I miss Samantha.
She was supposed to visit me this weekend but Dad said no.
I haven't seen her since before my second suicide attempt.
It feels like forever when you've been friends for fourteen years and you were used to seeing each other every weekend.
It hurts my heart not to see her.
She sounded near tears when I talked to her last.
I don't blame her.
I've hurt her so fucking much.
I'm a horrible friend.
I'm going to listen to old music and wait for Lukas to wake up from his nap and try not to cry.

<3 I love you
Stay strong lovies
CHEERS

Vienna waits for you.

I didn't realize it until I typed it in  my last post.
I'm dying.
After 7 years of self harm.
After 6 years of fucked up disordered eating.
After years and years of depression and self hatred.
After three suicide attempts.
After living off of pills.
After all the this.
I never actually realized it.
It probably should have occurred to me earlier.
But now it just makes sense.
Now that I don't eat regularly and the weight just drops off.
Now that my blood pressure is shit.
Now that my heart and chest hurt.
Now that I feel it around me.
Like an old friend.
My parents think I'm going to get better,
But I know the truth.
I will die of this.
I will live in the sing song land in my head.
Where up is down and the voices that hold knives to my throat are the best company to come by.
I will die.
God those words feel like such a relief.
Such a comfort.
I just want it to happen.
I felt lovely when I took those pills.
I was on the phone with Lukas and I felt cared for.
I was okay with those being my last moments.
I was just drifting off to sleep and my heart was just getting slower and slower.
It was peaceful.
I just skipped my dinner, which Dad will think I ate.
All I had today was blackberries and a square of chocolate Dad shoved down my throat.
I'll eat less tomorrow.
I'll probably starve to death.
It'll be ugly.
I'll probably lose all my friends.
My family will hate me.
But death will greet me like an old friend.
My therapist will quit working with me.
Eventually everyone will give up on me.
I will just be the dying girl.
The girl that no one could fix.
I was just too broken.
Maybe I just never was supposed to get better.
Maybe I'm supposed to be the one that suffers until I die.
It's just how it is.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired of life.
Living is just so exhausting.
I just want to lay down and have the life drift out of me.
And maybe it soon will.
But until then.
<3 Stay strong lovies.
CHEERS

In case you were wondering

I'm alive.
150 pills.
I only got to take 45 because I sorta blacked out.
I was talking to this kid named Lukas from tumblr.
He saved me.
If it weren't for him my heart would have slowed down so much it would have stopped.
Yay.
I was in the psych ward for nine days.
Fun times.
Not really.
Same place as last time.
I fucking hate that place.
I feel like I'm going to end up in another psych ward somewhere.
I don't think I'm getting better at all.
I want to cut.
I ate a shit ton of food tonight.
I lost a lot of weight over the passed few weeks.
Went back from 162.3(FUCKING FAT ASS) to 147.3lbs.
I went back up a little in the hospital. 148lbs.
I'm sure I ballooned now.
I'm going to stop eating again.
Apple sauce and green tea for me.
I hate food.
I'm not eating it.
I have this whole box of Ghirardelli's chocolates my favorites. Fuck it.
I'm throwing them out ad giving my brother some.
I don't need that fattening shit.
I'm on Zoloft.
YAY.
Lets go kill ourselves and blame it on the meds huh?
God I love that.
I'm so fucking tired. I think I'll sleep for five days.
Gotta tell Lukas <3 he's my bestie.
Fuck everyone else.
Old friends and new friends.
Fuck them.
All of them.
I don't need them.
I miss Kelsey.
She texted me.
I wanted to ask if she reads this.
Hey Kelse don't be shy talk to me.
Fuck I'm done.
Bullet is on.
I want a gun.
Maybe if I acquire one I can stop taking these fucking pills and actually kill myself.
Wouldn't that be just lovely?
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

If you're reading this...

I wonder if Kelsey found this again.
I wonder if she knows I tried to kill myself.
I wonder if she reads this shit.
I miss her.
Is that still possible?
Goddamnit what the fuck is wrong with me?
It's been HOW many years?
What the fuck?
Why am I crying over this shit?
Really?
Why do I cut when I look at pictures of her?
This is just pathetic.
I wonder if she remembers that she called me that.
That's carved into my arm.
It's now a scar.
I'm so fucked up now.
She gets better and I just get worse.
And worse.
I have 110 this time.
As of right now.
My dog is worried.
She has every right to be.
I'm going to kill myself.
Probably tonight.
I plan on getting the rest of my lexapro and a bunch of tylenol(cause you know that's a favorite of mine).
They are in the cabinet down stairs.
It fucking sucks because Dad's been so nice to me.
He bought me cheesecake with caramel sauce from my favorite restaurant.
And I can't eat it because I haven't eaten today.
And for the passed two weeks I've been living off apple sauce and green tea with honey.
My life is so fucked.
God what is wrong with me?
I have One Last Breath by Creed on repeat because I'm a fucking freak.
I hate myself.
So fucking much.
I'm such a fat whore.
I'm reading her note.
The last note she wrote me.
It's in one of my earlier posts.
She asked if it was worth it to grow closer and watch us bother wither away to nothing.
I'm the only one who is nothing Kelsey.
You are just so beautiful and so fucking perfect.
I wish I could have known you for longer.
I loved those days.
I didn't want to die so much back then.
I always loved you and I never stopped.
No matter how much I wanted to hate you I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
I lost everything when I lost you.
I lost who I was and everything I liked about myself just disappeared.
You were my whole world.
You still are a piece of me.
My biggest regret was not holding onto you when you needed me most.
Back in Spetember of freshman year.
I KNOW you needed me.
And instead I pushed you away.
I'm so sorry.
More for me than for you.
I saved you Kelsey.
You would have died next to me.
Now I'm the only one that's going to die.
Everything worked out okay.
I loved you more than me.
I still love you more than me.
<3 goodbye. To you and my followers.
You're all so beautiful I just can't do it anymore.
Stay strong and please I hope you all recover someday. Fuck this disease.
CHEERS