"You're just really stupid aren't you?"

Little things always stick in my head.
No one seems to remember that.
Everyone forgets.
Absolutely everyone.
Even the people I'm closest too.
"Rachael needs to do crunches."
"Flabby tummy."
"You gained weight."
"Did you put on a couple pounds?... No no you look good!"
"Did you eat all of this?"
"Woah slow down there."(referring to eating)
"How much you gonna eat tonight Rach?"
"Think a little next time Punky."
Over and over the little things.
There are thousands of them.
"You're just really stupid aren't you?"
You didn't mean it maliciously. It was innocent.
A little joke.
But now I can't get it out of my head and my six day cut free streak is going to end.
I just ate a cookie and a chocolate muffin and I'm going to purge them.
Stupid.
Insolent.
Insignificant.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Disgusting.
Repulsive.
The swirl around in my head sing song lullaby sings me to sleep at night.
Fucking kill me already.

I want to

Tell you about him.
Tell you about my life.
I want to tell you about everything that's happened.
I want to be like we used to.
I want to curl up next to you on the couch find the strength in me and cry on your shoulder.
I want you to wrap your arms around me and tell me "Rach, it'll be okay you've been through worse." Even if it's a lie.
I want you to turn on Madeline by Tickle Me Pink and tell me we're going for a walk.
I want to go buy a monster and straighten your hair and pretend I'm your best friend again.
I just hate how much everything has changed.
I have an amazing person in my life.
His name is Lukas, Kelsey.
He called the police the night I decided to try and take 150 pills.
It was my third over dose.
You weren't there but this stranger whom I had never met sat on the phone with me.
He was there when I was discharged.
He is still here miraculously 3 months later.
But you aren't anywhere to be found.
I want to talk to you about how bad everything has gotten.
I want to tell you about Julia, and Tommy and Eric and all my mistakes over the past couple of years.
I really fucked up here Kelse.
Did you know I'm not in school?
Not only that but right now I'm currently supposed to be working on my Math homework due tomorrow?
It's important or I'll never be able to keep up in Chem next year.
I can't draw for the time being.
Did I tell you I'm going to art school?
If I can make it in that is.
Have I told you yet that I miss you?
Because I do.
I miss everything.
Maybe it's me living in the past.
Maybe it's me refusing to move on but Kelsey we weren't just your average friends.
You were my very best friend an I wanted to set myself on fire when you left.
I almost did too.
But somehow I made it out of that.
Barely and it seems I left little pieces of me behind along the way.
I guess what I'm trying to say; if you happen to be reading this (which it wouldn't really surprise me) is that if you wanted to drop me an anonymous message I wouldn't mind all that much.
If you get lonely or need someone to talk to anonymously(or not) talk to me.
Because I don't know about you but I miss you an awful lot.
And maybe I can't even say that anymore.
Maybe I can't say I miss you because maybe I don't know who you are anymore.
But.
I'm wouldn't mind getting to know you again.
Which is probably selfish.
And maybe you want absolutely nothing to do with me but life is short you know?
It's becoming more apparent to me everyday that at any moment I could die and you might never know how much I wished you would have called me.
My number never changes.
Lukas asked me about that when we talked about the police tracking my number back to New Jersey.
I live in Ohio why not just get a new number?
Because of you Kelsey.
I know your number by heart.
You weren't always so good with that but I won't change mine just in case one day it hits you that you want to talk to me again too.
And if you're having a tough time and can't seem to sum up the courage or maybe just really don't want to talk to me;
stay strong Kelsey.
Because you really do NOT deserve the shit you put yourself through.

Vomit

There is a bag of vomit in my closet.
I purged in the kitchen sink.
I got vomit up my nose and in my hair and on my TOES.
I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I have 75 pills stashed.
It's a growing collection.
I lost 4.6 lbs in two days.
I am never satisfied.
When it gets to be 1:30 am I am taking my laptop and camping down stairs on the elliptical for a few hours.
And I will probably work out until I can't feel my legs.
And then tomorrow I will probably repeat this process.
This is going to kill me before I reach my 18th birthday.

I have news

First.
I lost 2.8lbs.
Making me 136lbs on the dot.
It sucks because I've been teeter tottering between 134 and 138 for the past month.
I want to get down to the 110's this month.
120's by the end of next week and the 110's by the end of the month.
If I keep up with my 'diet'
I should be okay.
I'm not allowing binges.
I can purge.
I have a NEED to purge.
So I can binge on my safe foods.
But for the rest of this month binges are out of the question.
Today I'm 'fasting'.
Basically the only thing I have is green tea with honey.
I allow extras like apple sauce if I get to pass out mode but I should be fine.
My stomach is tight and it hurts because I'm so fucking hungry.
I missed this feeling.
I am hoping by the end of this month I get that feeling of my calves cramping up in the middle of the night because that means they are eating away at themselves.

More.
Lukas.
The mushy stuff a lot of you probably don't care about.
He apparently likes me back.
Life is horrible but certain things are actually working out for me.
Like weight loss.
Fuck yes for weight loss.
And Lukas.
I wouldn't be here without him.
I love him too much.
Okay done being sappy.
<3 stay strong and be good to yourselves today
CHEERS

Purging

Does something to you.
It does something to your face; your eyes in particular.
It makes them look older.
It adds years and years onto them.
In what will seem like minutes.
It's been two weeks since my big purge fest began.
I've always purged but
it's begun to take on a life of its own.
And now.
My eyes have these rings around them.
Like yellowing bruises.
And a tiredness that wasn't there before.
Something that only hours with your finger shoved down to the back of your throat can bring about.
Its a feeling of deadness.
Of emptiness.
A hollow feeling that you can't quite grasp until you've felt the ache of your teeth after a good dousing with stomach acid.
You won't ever know this felling unless you know what it's like to purge.
It's the feeling of exhaustion.
The feeling of giving up.
The feeling of I don't want to fight anymore.

I try

Really hard not to kill myself.
Everyday.
It's a struggle to wake up in the morning.
To force myself out of bed.
I purged fourteen times yesterday.
It was just a normal day for me.
Get up.
Eat.
Purge.
Cut.
Eat more.
Purge more.
Cut more.
Repeat.
Over and over and over again. It just never ends. I do this constantly.
My throat is so swollen right now it's so hard to breathe.
I wish I would stop.
My lungs should stop working.
Just shut down.
I'm so tired,
So so tired.

It is killing me

First before I get into this post I want to say to you all:
I love you.
I do.
Those who have been there since I started this blog and those who had joined more recently I want you all to know that you mean very much to me.
That being said.
If any of you ever need any kind of help or anything at all you know how to get in touch with me okay?
I don't want anyone to hesitate.
I will try my best to help even though I am not a professional.
I can always help you find professionals if that's what you want or just be a shoulder to lean on.
There are so few now for many of us that we need all the friends we can get.
And that is what I would be to anyone who needs it.
A friend.

Now.
Post.
I almost asphyxiated on my own vomit in the shower today.
I was purging and I got vomit stuck in my throat.
Needless to say I'm still here but it opened my eyes to a few things.
One being this will probably kill me faster than starvation.
I will probably be found in a pool of blood and vomit and it will not be pretty.
Two being I have really fucked up my body already.
I have a heart that likes to teeter totter and beat out of tune.
I have a live that cannot process toxins anymore.
If I have alcohol or Tylenol my liver could start to fail.
I have a digestive system that likes to not digest.
I have a stomach lining that is faulty.
I have scarred yellowing skin.
I have eyes that used to see perfectly but now only see half of whats there and some things that aren't real.
I have a brain that doesn't function properly least I be doped up on proper meds and who exactly knows what those could be?
I have lungs that seem to be tired after a few short breaths.
I have a throat that is constantly swollen and ripped.
A mouth that burns and tastes of bile.
I have teeth that are sensitive to both hot and cold.
I have gums that are receding and bleed at the slightest touch.
Achy joint that don't move well.
A twitch in my neck and arm and torso that are probably related to my nonexistent eating disorder.
I have a faulty body and a broken mind.
I need a little more fixing than doctors could possibly do.
I am dying.
Right now.
With each heart beat I get closer.
Technically you could argue that he/she/it and you are dying too.
I think I'm getting closer than he/she and it though.
Now you?
I'm not sure.
You are the one writing your story and it is one I haven't read.
You could be no better off than me.
But there is always time to change that if you wish.

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438


For those of you still hoping for a future.
Hoping to escape the hellish world you live in.
Don't be afraid to press the buttons that might save your life.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS