Love of mine some day you will die

I was outside smoking a cigarette and I thought that maybe death isn't such a scary thing.
The wind is really bad tonight and the trees looked like they could topple over at any second.
Storms never usually scare me but if any of them would this one would be it.
I kept thinking that it should scare me but for once I wasn't scared.
My whole life revolves around my fears.
I can't even go to school because I'm so terrified of people.
I can never be truly intimate with someone I love because I'm afraid of being hurt.
I hurt myself because I'm afraid I'll hurt others.
My future is looming over my head like a sword and it petrifies me.
Recovery is impossible for me because I'm afraid of not being sick.
I can't even feel my own heart beating because I'm so scared of being alive.
Death has always been a frightening concept for me.
Anything that is inevitable and unknown sends me into a panic.
I'm so terrified of everything happening around me that I shut myself into different books or movies and pretend that I don't really exist.
But for this one moment when the world looked like it was falling down around me and I should be crippled with fear I wasn't.
Dying isn't scary anymore.

I'm never going to be strong enough to recover from the things I put myself through.

I need everyone in my life way more than they need me.
I just feel like all the crumpled up cigarette filters that are piling up in the storm drains.
I get to experience the feel of a million beautiful lips but in the end it doesn't matter.
I wind up tossed away to rot on the side of a road collecting the dirt from everyone's abused footwear.
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine with any of the things going on in my life but I don't have the courage to change it.

Helpless

I feel like I'm just remembering a place I've never been.
Everything is wonderful and painful.
It's like the rush of adrenaline that pulls at your seams after you've torn holes in your paper heart.
Nothing here makes any sense.
There is an odd feeling of nostalgia accompanying the excitement of experiencing something new.
But none of this is new and the memories of it don't bring comfort but searing agony.
My head is confusing sadness for love and exhaustion as happy.
Up is across and down is diagonal and side ways is parallel.
All of my angles have rearranged and my head hurts trying to figure out how any of this could be possible.
How did it get like this?
When did my life crumble to metallic dust and why did I never notice it before?
I get so lonely and my head feels too big but entirely too minuscule.
It all hurts so much and I don't know how to think or feel or who the fuck I am anymore.
I feel so tired.
I don't know what to do and I fear that I'm getting too close to the edge of my world.
Too close to nothing and it's going to swallow me alive.
It's all so terrifying but relieving and I don't know how that is.
I am so lonely.

I'm really tired of myself.
I feel really cliche in all the worst ways.
I don't really remember ever liking who I am so that's not the issue really.
It's just gotten so hard to ignore the things I'm doing.
I've been teetering on a weird dotted line I had never noticed before.
I've actually considered getting better.
I'm not talking about the pathetic attempts at recovery I've tried because thinking that you can be healthy and starve and binge and purge and cut yourself is not rational.
I've thought about throwing it all away.
Sinking back into myself the way I had before I met Lukas.
I thought about dying in comparison to actually living.
I don't know which i want but this limbo of not dead but not alive is getting so tiring.
It's exhausting killing myself to no avail.
Starving for no results and slitting my own throat only to realize that my blade is plastic.
I am tired.
I don't know how to decide if I want to die or live.

My account on tumblr got suspended and I'm fucking done

I'm jealous of anyone who can be near you.
Being able to touch you; to wrap my arms around your neck and breathe in the cent of your skin.
To hear your laugh and watch the color rise in your cheeks.
To hold your hand and kiss you; there isn't anything I want more.
So when you ask if I am jealous I won't lie to you.
I wish to let my love for you seep from my pores and melt on your flesh.
My complexion might as well have a tint of green.