Sobriety is overrated

I'm fucking everything up again.
Must have gained like 23 lbs.
I've felt so numb lately everything feels like it isn't real.
All my emotions don't actually exist.
I got into a fight with Dad and Sam and I wasn't even angry?
I yelled and acted like I was but I didn't feel anything.
I cried but I didn't feel sad or panicky.
Then I purged violently all over my bathroom floor and shower.
I can binge and binge and I don't feel anything.
Whenever I do feel something its fear.
I'm afraid of going to mom's.
Afraid of time and school and the future.
I don't like this.
Everything is either too terrifying or insignificant and not worth the effort.
I'm going to try and make an appointment with my therapist.
For now I'm going to take this oxy and pretend I'm okay with feeling too much and not enough.

Let the wolves enjoy my bones

I've been mindlessly binging (being a loose term because honestly I've eaten maybe 2000 calories between the last two days).
So today I decided to go for a walk and get things done while staying as far from the kitchen as possible.
Also used up the last of my oxy as a way to distract myself.
I asked Dad if we could go to dinner.
Every time we go I get a salad and a diet soda and I purge in the bathrooms after I finish 3/4 of it.
Dad notices kind of but decided to play dumb.
Not like I expected more.
We went shopping last night.
I got my hair cut and got a pair of cute knock off uggs (I hate uggs and the style but these look so cute with my winter coat).
If I lose enough weight I'm gonna bribe Dad to take me shopping for sweaters before Mom's so I can be warm and fashionable.
I need to lose about 15 lbs though and if I continue like I have been today I should be fine.
I haven't eaten anything and I think for the rest of this week and next I'm going to purge everything I eat.
Anyways this is a shit post so have a picture of my ugly face.

Appreciation post

I am really unsupportive and bad when it comes to putting other people first.
Last night I said some really awful things to Lukas while I was high.
It's been about nine hours now since I've heard from him and I really hope his phone is off or he's just sleeping.
With that in mind though I thought I talk about all the people I take for granted but I really wouldn't be alive without.
Lukas is obviously one of them considering he was the one that made the call to the police that saved my life during my last overdose.
But it's more than that.
Everyday that I wake up and feel awful about myself; every time I think about suicide, Lukas is always there.
He calms me down and let's me know how much he loves me.
There hasn't been a day since we first met that he hasn't saved my life.
I love him more than anything in the whole world and I don't tell him enough but I really do appreciate his existence.
If anything were to happen to him I don't know how I'd keep living.
He's my moon and my stars and every cigarette I taste.
I'm going to try to work on being more supportive and listening to him.
I need to treat him better.
Also on the list of people I don't treat well enough: Samantha.
Sixteen years of friendship and I still haven't figured out how to be a good friend.
Or even a decent friend really.
She's been there though despite my complete selfishness she has been there through every bump and every scrapped knee.
I have never had someone stay in my life that wasn't blood related as long as Samantha has.
And even then a good portion of my family takes leaves of absence.
She's so precious to me and I don't tell her how wonderful she is nearly enough.
These two people have treated me better than anyone who has ever come into my life.
No significant other or friend has loved me so unconditionally as these two brilliant under appreciated human beings.
So I really just wanted to say thank you; even if neither of them reads this.
You are both so important to me and everything I have ever done in my life is thanks to one or both of you.
I love you both dearly and I hope I don't have to say goodbye to you for as long as I live.

Edit: I feel a little love and appreciation needs to go Katie Elizabeth's way as well.
Thank you for being there for me despite having mountains of your own problems to deal with.
You take time out of your day to write me a comment and read my posts and I want you to know I am so so grateful.
I do not deserve your kindness but still you give it and you don't ask me anything in return.
I'm so proud of you for trying to get better and taking care of yourself.
Your little boys are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
I hope you get to stay with them for a very long time.
And to anyone else who comments and reads my blog regularly I hope you experience nothing but happiness in your life.
I hope you can all overcome your suffering and create wonderful lives for yourselves.
I love you and I appreciate you.

Take the pain ignite it

I'm going to Mom's house on the 4th of December.
Which means that the appointments Dad has to make today for my therapist are probably going to be for January.
For about five seconds I was distressed but then I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to get 'sick enough'.
I have the rest of this month plus December and at least a week in January.
I've already lost two pounds since I started two days ago.
For me to fit the criteria of anything other than EDNOS I have to be underweight.
In order for me to be underweight I have to lose at least 36.5lbs.
Which considering the fact that I can drop 20lbs in three weeks isn't actually that difficult.
I'm tired of suffering and having no one see it.
This has been eight almost nine years of complete hell but not a single person has seen how much I struggle.
Its the worst feeling in the world when you tell someone you're in agonizing pain and they tell you you're lying.
By saying I don't look like I have an eating disorder or I'm too fat to have an eating disorder they're telling me they don't recognize my pain.
I know I've said it before but can you imagine being stuck in a body you detest and starving it to no avail for eight years only to be told that you don't meet the criteria for your diagnosis?
Excruciating would be an understatement really.
When people don't acknowledge your pain you lose all sense of justification.
You forget that you have meaning and purpose and worth and you become the moldy wall paper peeling off rotted walls.
No one looks at you.
No one sees you.
I'm going to force them to see me this time.
I refuse to be invisible any longer.

Is it possible for me to lose 60lbs before my next appointment (which will probably be in two or three weeks)?

"You don't look like you have an eating disorder"

I went to my psychologist appointment today.
She's fantastic and she wants to help me and everything is not okay.
No one has ever really taken my eating disordered behaviors seriously.
She is.
One of the first things she did was give me the name of a psychiatrist she wants me to see that specializes in eating disorders.
He works on an eating disorder and she said she'd like me to get into the program (most likely outpatient).
But I can't get help for this right now.
I'm not thin enough.
There are going to be so many girls and boys thinner and sicker and more deserving of help there.
In short I'm freaking out.
Dad keeps asking if I have an eating disorder.
I told him "I don't know" and got up to purge.
We went to lunch and I had tomatos.
Thats all I ate and I purged them.
All of it came up so easily it's like I never stopped.
This new psychologist looked at me like I was moronic when I said "but I'm not sick enough".
Because when you aren't visibly sick no one takes you seriously.
When you say "I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder" everyone's eyes rape you searching for the protruding bones to confirm it.
But they don't realize its not in narrow angular figures that these eating disorders show themselves its in dead eyes.
Suffering is not limited to the emaciated girls with their prepubescent bodies it sits in the back of the throats of men and women choking on their own bile.
Its assumed I do not have an eating disorder because I do not fit into the cookie cut out version of your typical eating disordered person.
"Thin" isn't a stepping stone to beauty.
Its a key to open the door I've been searching for.
It means recovery and being seen.
Because when people say "you don't look like you have an eating disorder" what they are really saying is "we do not recognize your agony. We do not see you and we refuse to see you".
Right now I might as well be invisible.
I cannot receive help because this repulsive pudgy figure makes my years of starvation and binge purging invalid in the eyes of medical professionals.
These people do not see me they see the symptoms I do not display.
They see a body weight that doesn't fit their criteria.
A person who has a "healthy" body.
I am not courageous enough to make them look at me.

I'm sort of getting help? However unwanted it might be.

I really appreciate you.
All of you are so lovely and I know maybe five people still read this but I am grateful for each of you.
Everything is kind of chaotic right now.
Realistically I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing but I can't help it.
I gained so much weight and I look and feel so dreadful.
So I've decided to go back to my hard core restricting.
For the passed few days I haven't eaten above 600 calories and I think that 600 is a bit (lot) too much.
Cutting back to 300 seems safer and just generally more comfortable.
Not that I've been counting calories like I was I mainly just eat two or three safe foods a day.
Meaning I'll probably be way under 300 calories but I'm just so uncomfortable right now.
Also whenever I eat now I'm very aware of it?
Not so much how things taste or feel but the fact that I am putting this food in my mouth and it is going to be digested and make me fat.
I thought about purging yesterday but it's been so long and purging actually leads me to binge more.
It's ridiculous because it wasn't a binge it was 150 calories worth of rainbow sherbet.
Which is virtually fat free?
My hunger pains have been bad lately and I can see I lost weight in my face a bit but my stomach and legs have grown 57 times their original size I'm sure of it.
This is the reason I started abusing Dad's oxy.
I have this love/ hate feeling towards my disordered behaviors.
They are just so exhausting?
Lately though everything is exhausting.
I'm not trying to get better but I am going to try and be a better person.
Lukas is having a tough time right now and I really need to be there for him.
I've just been so self centered and he deserves better.
I'm not allowed to eat today I just can't handle it.
And I think if I'm able I won't eat tomorrow either.
I just don't want to deal with being massive on top of everything else.
Everything else being I actually have an appointment with a therapist on the 8th.
I forgot about it until a week or so ago.
I had asked for help a month ago when I actually wanted it so now I have to meet this new lady.
Keeping my fingers crossed that I like her and that she'll see me though because I do miss talking freely about my bullshit.
Not exactly asking for help right now but a someone to listen to my narcissistic monologuing would be nice.