Are you ready for the fallout?

This time last year I was finishing up with highschool.
I was 20lbs heavier and in a long term long distance committed relationship.
I was working on art monthly and getting ready to visit my best friend.
Since last year I've:
Gotten stitches for my self harm
Overdosed
Developed a serious drug addiction
Been hospitalized
Been on the verge of homelessness twice
Gone to the ER on six separate occasions
Signed up for school and quit without even attending a single day
Been to six funerals
Experienced my first blackout drunk
Had my first experience with dopesickness
Stolen over $700 from my Dad
Used over $30,000 worth of drugs
Lost at least 4 friends
Relapsed 30+ times
Mad friends and lost pretty much all of them within three months of meeting them
Got in touch with old friends and fell back out of touch with them
Fell out* for the first time
Was turned down from six different inpatient treatment centers for my risk level
Told my family about my eating disorder and drug abuse
Had my first family intervention
Lost hope found it and had it completely crushed again
Almost saw my boyfriend die
Spent more time in and out of treatment centers and rehabs than I've ever spent in my life

I'm currently on the verge of homelessness again. Relapse with self harm, my disordered eating habits, my lack of sleep, alcoholism and my drug use. I'm currently withdrawaling. I had a minor melt down at my boyfriend's house and basically got kicked out. I might be having a pregnancy scare. I've got mysterious heart problems that seem to be getting worse. I have unaddressed disordered behaviors and my suicidal ideations are back full force. I haven't worked on art in over two months. My best friend and I haven't had a conversation lasting over three minutes in over a month (the same best friend who I used to sit on skype with for 12 hours: the one whose been my friend for 17 years). I watched my boyfriend get arrested. I've been poked prodded fed emptied fucked beaten bruised used and almost restrained. I'm tired and lonely and I hate my life.

*when you almost overdose?? Basically your vitals drop into danger zone and you can get very close to death I technically experienced it during intentional overdoses but this wasn't intentional and I didn't get hospitalized for it

confused

I need to lose weight and it's pretty much all I can think about.
Relapsed last night.
Everything was fine and I was binging all the time but I tried hard not to care??
Last night I had eaten a lot and then Dad came home with ice cream and I ate it.
I didn't even know I was going to purge until I was standing in my bathroom removing my ring.
I hadn't even purged in over a month?
And now all I want to do is go back to how things where in January when I was snorting oxy everyday and sleeping and not eating.
I don't even know how to tell my boyfriend about this.

Fuck you I'm going to live.

I'm finally getting better.
I never realized how rewarding and wonderful recovery could feel but here I am.
I overdosed again and went into inpatient.
Had to get 14 stitches because of my self harm and I pulled them out while I was on suicide watch.
Finally I'm getting stable enough to realize exactly how sick I was/am and I'm so ready to change.
Bring on happiness I am beyond done with this misery.
Fuck being sick.
Fuck being incompetent and codependent.
I'm going to have my own life with all kinds of ups and downs.
Recovery will be the hardest thing I've ever had to experience but it's so so worth it.
For once I'm not going to sit by and let my life pass me by.
I'm going to live a full life and I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to learn how to love myself.

I have never felt so insignificant in my life.

I'm still debating on trying to kill myself tomorrow.
Everyone would be angry considering my IOP therapist tried to have me evaluated for inpatient today.
For about four hours I sat in the ER telling everyone I was fine no they didn't have to worry nothing is wrong.
All I really want to do is overdose on oxy or percocets.
I would even take heroin at this point but I'm pretty sure the only person I could get it from would flip his fucking shit if I told him that.
My Dad is fed up with me and is searching for mental health residential inpatient treatment centers.
He doesn't want me here anymore and it's gotten to the point that he wants to kick me out.
Mom isn't really too happy with me either.
Not that I blame them I've been quite fucking awful as of late.
I'm just getting worse.
My weight is somewhere between 126-138 but I haven't weighed myself in a while.
I don't really want to I'm afraid I'm just going to get more upset with myself.
Everything just kind of went to shit and I don't have the energy to try anymore.
Tired and fucked up.
Don't want to be me anymore.

The only things I want in life right now are a thigh gap and a life time supply of oxy.
So far I have neither.

I have no excuses for this I'm just so sorry.
Everything has gotten so bad and I've fucked it all up.
Sorry.