I don't want to face myself anymore

Julia keeps posting these 'things I hate because of you' posts on facebook. I know they're directed towards me. She hates french music and her birthday. We have the same birthday and I'm in love with french music. Thanks ever so much sweetheart, it's not like I don't hate myself enough already why don't you go ahead and add gasoline to that fire?

I feel worthless. Litterally. I say that I'm going to try to want to get out of bed and actually live but what the fuck is the use? Why? I could make an attempt at being social and pleasant but it doesn't make a difference because I am me. I always put on a fake smile and pretend. No one knows the 'real' me and when a few drops of me leak out people turn their backs. I'm the reason I have no friends. I'm the reason I'm only in relationships for a few weeks to a few short months. I don't even bother to ask whats wrong with me anymore because I already know. I am me. I don't have to try anymore and I can make an entire group of people run the other way. I can clear a room because no one wants to be near me anymore. Not even the people who say they are my friends here. The only people who want to be near me only want to use me for their own benifit. Not that they get much from it.

I'm tired. So tired. I'm tired of living.
Stay strong
CHEERS

I really shouldn't be left alone

I miss who I was. I hate every fiber of my being literally. I don't know who the girl is in the mirror anymore. She's this horrible person that stole my face, and she deserves to die a horrible painful death. I wish I could go back to the beginning and start over that's what I want a redo. I wasn't to go back and change everything. I miss being a little girl. I was reading Wasted in class and I decided fuck it I'll start at the beginning this time instead of reading my favorite parts. I was reading about her childhood. Can I go back there? To when I had morals, to when I loved people, to when the first thing I noticed about someone was their voice or their eyes rather than how thin or fat they may be? I want that naivety back. I want to be innocent and beautiful again. When I was little I was beautiful, if only for the fact that the world couldn't touch me.

I want to be my mommy's little girl again. I want to go to a movie for dinner and eat popcorn without feeling the need to stick my fingers down my throat. I want to sit for endless hours and listen to Dad play guitar and have him tuck me in. I want Benny to love his little sister and not have to take money( $7.00 exactly) for one fucking hug. I want Sam to be my big brother again to hang out with me and play Pokemon and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog and eat ice cream in the summer. It's like I'm this whole other being now. Like that little girl never existed. I'm starting to believe she never did.

I hate being left in my own head. It's like Alice In Wonderland except its on acid and seventy five other hallucinogens. It's terrifying. I want everything to stop, the only problem is that to do that I need to die. So I'm stuck between to die or not to die and its killing me faster. I no longer have a personality. I'm dead. I'm a steryotypical copy cat version of every other fucked up person that ever lived and it's getting old. I'm tired of how cliche I am and in turn I'm tired of myself.

Huzzah
Stay strong
CHEERS to you lovies thanks for reading those who still do <3

Yea I agree, I'm a nasty fat ugly horrible bitch. You can stop reminding me now.

Sometimes I just want to die. I stopped wearing my seat belt in hopes of getting into an accident and flying through the winshield. I just wish I could lay down and go to sleep forever or sleep until all my organs shut down. I want everything to just stop and let me drown in my own selfloathing.

I hate that when I tell people that I'm fucked up they suggest 'fixing' the problem. Sorry Julia the problem is me and I don't want fucking fixing. I want death but hey we don't all get what we want. Sorry you didn't get the nice sweet girlfriend you wanted. I'm not fucking perfect, and you know what? I don't like me either. Look at that. We both hate me, maybe we can stop talking about that now.

Stay strong
CHEERS

I'm back

First off I'd like to appologize to all of you. I completely abandoned you all, and there is no excuse for it. I haven't been hospitalized and I'm definitly not dead. I've been isolating myself. I used to do it all the time, and now it's just easy. I haven't recovered and nor do I plan to. At one point I stopped caring and ate until I gained ten pounds, but I'm losing them. I don't know what to tell you all. It's been so long, I've changed so much I just don't know where to start.

I haven't picked up Wasted in a month. I still carry it around everywhere I just haven't opened it. I stopped looking inside after I carved a large A into my wrist. The scar will be there forever, it's already been a month and it's still bright purpley red. I like the way it looks there, it reminds me that when everything else fails I still have my eating disorder, which I now realize is probably extremely bad. I'm not as depressed as I used to be but happy doesn't come often either.

I feel fake, if thats a feeling. I feel empty like I'm nothing. I've been thinking about death and the population and the universe and all that exists and I feel pathetically insignificant. Like in five seconds if I died no one would notice. The world is too big and death is too present in my life. I just feel like my being here is WRONG. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it's exactly how it is.

One of the best things about me being away for so long is I finally learned to suck up the Kelsey thing. She's gone for good and I don't give a shit anymore. It's like she never existed in my life anyways so why should I dwell on the fact that she won't come back?

Samantha has a botfriend. SHe's obsessed with him. Each day that passes I feel like I'm losing her more and more to him(which was another reason for my isolation). I'm trying to perpare myself for her leaving, but I know I'll never survive it. I just have to enjoy our friendship while it lasts I guess.

Ben and I got into a fight a while back and he screamed at me about my ED. He did it infront of Sam too. I had told Ben that he was being a lazy good for nothing shit and he threw my selfconciousness and my selfloathing in my face. I can't say I really blame him but I can'ty say I appreciated his outing me either. I think Sammy forgot though because no one has mentioned itand I'm left alone.

I've discovered lately that I'm extremely tired. I just don't want to live anymore and I couldn't give a shit about my figure(LIE. I can't stand mirrors at all and I hate myself everytime I open my mouth to eat something). I'm just looking for an escape now, which a lot of you will write off as complete bull shit(Don't worry I still love all of you and have missed you all so fucking much it's undescribable). I don't expect anyone to understand this. But I'm not going anywhere for a while don't worry =]

I'm dating Julia. She is probably a size eight in jeans. She wears huge hoodies eats carbs and sweets and doesn't care about what other people think about her. She's curvy and soft and her smile is absolutly beautiful. I love her so much. Problem is I don't love her enough. I wish I copul;d love her more but some part of me is holding her just far enough away so she won't miss me too much when I do eventually kick the bucket and take an early bus straight to down under(if hell really exists I'm sure I'll be one of the residence. Encouraging girls to kill themselves and not appreciating what"God" gave me and all that doesn't exactly earn me a ticket to the pearl gates of that bullshit fantasy called heaven does it? Sorry if you believe in either place I'm not trying to mock your religion just mocking myself and my own hoplessness. I respect the faith you have and wish I could have faith in something like that.). I wish I could have enough strength to push her away completely and spare her but I'm entirely too selfish and too damn lonely for that.

I love you guys all of you. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that you are all here. I love you all so much and wish I could be better for your sake. You are all such beautiful people and I wish you could all see that. Stay strong CHEERS <3

Don't leave I'm lonely

I wish when you say that you have to go that I had the courage to tell you not to. Sometimes I just need you more than you know. I hate goodbyes more than you do I promise. Goodbyes for me are always permanent. I never want to say goodbye to you.


Are any of you there?

I gained a pound. Got blood taken and my arm looks fucking disgusting. I would have rather she stabbed me with a knife. Needles are gross.

Depressed again.
I miss Samantha. There's no way I could even begin to explain all the things I've been through with her. I wish I could run away to Jersey just so I can spend the weekend on her couch <3
I wonder if she knows how much I miss her.
I love you all. Goodnight stay strong.

Am I just really good at hiding it?

Why don't you see? Everyday I wake up and pretend I'm someone other than me. I put on a mask and smile for you. I laugh when I want to cry, I smile. My smiles are never real. They never touch my eyes.
I go through my days living your lie.
Truth is I don't remember what happy is like anymore. I have my little shadow of happy. I live in the shadow of happy. Like I can't live up to the expectations happy has set. Why don't I deserve it? Why is it so hard?

Why is it so fucking hard?
I don't have any tears left. I can cry but no tears fall anymore. I don't know what it's like to feel anymore. After a while of being slapped in the face and stepped on you stop feeling it. I stopped feeling it. It's like I am an empty shell. A glimmer of who I used to be. I'm tired of playing this game.

I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. I want to be able to cry when I want to cry. To be able to scream, fight, and bleed when I want to.
I want to be able to die when I feel like dying.
I secretly hope you will see just so you can come save me. I secretly want to be saved. I want someone to prove they see it. I want someone to just walk up to me and wrap me in their embrace and say they know, but it'll be okay.
"If there was a way, a way to go back to were we started from..."

I wonder what's waiting for me after death. I wonder if I could just watch you be happy, or if I could go back to being me. Not like a second chance. I don't want another life after this one. More of if I get the chance to live in my own little heaven forever, where I am who I was and everything is okay.

I want okay. I'd give you anything if you'd just make it okay again.
Come save me. From expectations and judgements and just give me back my okay.