I have started a new diet its called oxy and whatever I use to swallow it.

you should be careful of what you ask for.
apathy was so much better than this.

Sobriety is overrated

I'm fucking everything up again.
Must have gained like 23 lbs.
I've felt so numb lately everything feels like it isn't real.
All my emotions don't actually exist.
I got into a fight with Dad and Sam and I wasn't even angry?
I yelled and acted like I was but I didn't feel anything.
I cried but I didn't feel sad or panicky.
Then I purged violently all over my bathroom floor and shower.
I can binge and binge and I don't feel anything.
Whenever I do feel something its fear.
I'm afraid of going to mom's.
Afraid of time and school and the future.
I don't like this.
Everything is either too terrifying or insignificant and not worth the effort.
I'm going to try and make an appointment with my therapist.
For now I'm going to take this oxy and pretend I'm okay with feeling too much and not enough.

Let the wolves enjoy my bones

I've been mindlessly binging (being a loose term because honestly I've eaten maybe 2000 calories between the last two days).
So today I decided to go for a walk and get things done while staying as far from the kitchen as possible.
Also used up the last of my oxy as a way to distract myself.
I asked Dad if we could go to dinner.
Every time we go I get a salad and a diet soda and I purge in the bathrooms after I finish 3/4 of it.
Dad notices kind of but decided to play dumb.
Not like I expected more.
We went shopping last night.
I got my hair cut and got a pair of cute knock off uggs (I hate uggs and the style but these look so cute with my winter coat).
If I lose enough weight I'm gonna bribe Dad to take me shopping for sweaters before Mom's so I can be warm and fashionable.
I need to lose about 15 lbs though and if I continue like I have been today I should be fine.
I haven't eaten anything and I think for the rest of this week and next I'm going to purge everything I eat.
Anyways this is a shit post so have a picture of my ugly face.

Appreciation post

I am really unsupportive and bad when it comes to putting other people first.
Last night I said some really awful things to Lukas while I was high.
It's been about nine hours now since I've heard from him and I really hope his phone is off or he's just sleeping.
With that in mind though I thought I talk about all the people I take for granted but I really wouldn't be alive without.
Lukas is obviously one of them considering he was the one that made the call to the police that saved my life during my last overdose.
But it's more than that.
Everyday that I wake up and feel awful about myself; every time I think about suicide, Lukas is always there.
He calms me down and let's me know how much he loves me.
There hasn't been a day since we first met that he hasn't saved my life.
I love him more than anything in the whole world and I don't tell him enough but I really do appreciate his existence.
If anything were to happen to him I don't know how I'd keep living.
He's my moon and my stars and every cigarette I taste.
I'm going to try to work on being more supportive and listening to him.
I need to treat him better.
Also on the list of people I don't treat well enough: Samantha.
Sixteen years of friendship and I still haven't figured out how to be a good friend.
Or even a decent friend really.
She's been there though despite my complete selfishness she has been there through every bump and every scrapped knee.
I have never had someone stay in my life that wasn't blood related as long as Samantha has.
And even then a good portion of my family takes leaves of absence.
She's so precious to me and I don't tell her how wonderful she is nearly enough.
These two people have treated me better than anyone who has ever come into my life.
No significant other or friend has loved me so unconditionally as these two brilliant under appreciated human beings.
So I really just wanted to say thank you; even if neither of them reads this.
You are both so important to me and everything I have ever done in my life is thanks to one or both of you.
I love you both dearly and I hope I don't have to say goodbye to you for as long as I live.

Edit: I feel a little love and appreciation needs to go Katie Elizabeth's way as well.
Thank you for being there for me despite having mountains of your own problems to deal with.
You take time out of your day to write me a comment and read my posts and I want you to know I am so so grateful.
I do not deserve your kindness but still you give it and you don't ask me anything in return.
I'm so proud of you for trying to get better and taking care of yourself.
Your little boys are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
I hope you get to stay with them for a very long time.
And to anyone else who comments and reads my blog regularly I hope you experience nothing but happiness in your life.
I hope you can all overcome your suffering and create wonderful lives for yourselves.
I love you and I appreciate you.

Take the pain ignite it

I'm going to Mom's house on the 4th of December.
Which means that the appointments Dad has to make today for my therapist are probably going to be for January.
For about five seconds I was distressed but then I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to get 'sick enough'.
I have the rest of this month plus December and at least a week in January.
I've already lost two pounds since I started two days ago.
For me to fit the criteria of anything other than EDNOS I have to be underweight.
In order for me to be underweight I have to lose at least 36.5lbs.
Which considering the fact that I can drop 20lbs in three weeks isn't actually that difficult.
I'm tired of suffering and having no one see it.
This has been eight almost nine years of complete hell but not a single person has seen how much I struggle.
Its the worst feeling in the world when you tell someone you're in agonizing pain and they tell you you're lying.
By saying I don't look like I have an eating disorder or I'm too fat to have an eating disorder they're telling me they don't recognize my pain.
I know I've said it before but can you imagine being stuck in a body you detest and starving it to no avail for eight years only to be told that you don't meet the criteria for your diagnosis?
Excruciating would be an understatement really.
When people don't acknowledge your pain you lose all sense of justification.
You forget that you have meaning and purpose and worth and you become the moldy wall paper peeling off rotted walls.
No one looks at you.
No one sees you.
I'm going to force them to see me this time.
I refuse to be invisible any longer.

Is it possible for me to lose 60lbs before my next appointment (which will probably be in two or three weeks)?