There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.

4:34 am and suddenly it hits me.
Just like it did last time.
Suddenly I need to go swallow pills.
Cut open my arm leave scars that won't ever fade.
Cut to see the fucking bone.
I haven't but I need to.
It's like all of the sudden I need to make a move stand on a tight rope over a cliff and see if fate lets the wind take me.
I don't know.
It's like all of the sudden in my mind it's RIGHT.
Like not having 30+ pills in me is wrong.
It feels wrong.
Like I need it.
No small person in my head is telling me DO IT.
KILL YOURSELF NOW.
No.
I don't have that.
I have this need.
Like something gets under my skin.
Crawls under there and plays.
Rips at my nerves.
Screams in my head.
Makes me itchy.
Makes me want to bleed.
Makes me want to see if I am alive or just a figment of my own fucked up screwed up twisted imagination.
Maybe Alice doesn't exist.
Maybe Rachael doesn't either.
Lets go find out.
CHEERS