I'm scared all the time now.
I can't be alone but the company of other people is too painful and foreign.
There's this weight that sits on my chest.
Everything is too hard, too loud, too much, too intense, too big, and never manageable enough.
Sometimes I can't wake up.
I'm aware of my wakefulness but my body won't move; my heart pitter patters too slow and I feel like I'm drowning in my own body.
Other times I wake up in a cold sweat anxiety seeping from my pore there is a horrid dream sitting on the tip of my tongue and for some reason I can only remember the fear.
I find myself staring off into space and tuning whole days out.
Walking without being aware of it.
My own thoughts are screeching sirens.
I've been here before.
Something is different this time.
There's this huge detail I refuse to look at.
A knife that is plunged deep into my back: I can feel it but if I don't look at it it doesn't exist.
I smile smile smile and everything just seems to get worse worse worse.
My own terror; the thing that is killing me, seems to be the only thing driving me.
I'm not ready for this-
I can't grow up yet please don't make me.
I'm terrified.
oh, love.
ReplyDeletethe thing is fear can change a person, and it truly is the worst thing in the world. the good thing about fear is that you know when you'll be able to conquer it, everything will just seem brighter.
don't worry, babe. you don't have to grow up if you don't want to. growing up isn't taking a bit of responsibility and going to college, or any of that. you can still be a child all your life.
your writing is beautiful, but also quite painful to read my dear
what killed me is the part that described you not wanting to be alone and yet the company of people is far too foreign for words
it's almost as if everything is far too much. you're too fat, but too thin. too ugly but too beautiful. you live in this constant contradiction and it's confusing. you feel trapped in a cage in confusing parallel. and that is disgusting.
i wish i can do something but i sadly cannot. im trying to hope this comment makes you feel any better.
baby, you're not alone <3
we're here for you
-Sam Lupin
I can relate so much, too much
ReplyDeleteI also feel afraid
I have a sense of impending doom
You are hurting but you're not alone
Don't ever feel that you are the only one because you're not
Stay strong
Sending you a hug x