Inhale to the top of my lungs, I'll be dying for this

My entire life I have been filing all the things I want out of life into little boxes and putting them on a shelf for later.
But later never comes.
All of the things I have every wished for or dreamed of withered away with my ability to function.
And for what?
So I can hide in my own self loathing and pretend I'm living a life I actually like?
I hate it.
I hate every aspect of my not-really life.
Hiding that's what I'm doing.
I shut myself away in these four walls and tell myself it's normal.
Normal to fear relationships and people.
It is 100% normal in my world to cower from expectations and responsibilities.
And you know what?
That's totally fucked up.
I have a panic attack and then give up on whatever it is that scares me.
I'm not going to recover anytime soon because I'm not ready.
But telling myself that the day will never come is a stupid pointless lie.
I have hopes and dreams and I won't abandon them in favor of a life viewed through a computer monitor.

I just finished a 75 minute work out and now I'm going to shower and make myself a cup of coffee.
I'm going to then go on an hour long walk and smoke my cigarettes.
I won't quit making bad decisions today or maybe even tomorrow.
It might take fifteen years for me to get truly better.
But it won't be because I'm running or hiding.
I just want to savor the feeling for a little while longer.