It is killing me

First before I get into this post I want to say to you all:
I love you.
I do.
Those who have been there since I started this blog and those who had joined more recently I want you all to know that you mean very much to me.
That being said.
If any of you ever need any kind of help or anything at all you know how to get in touch with me okay?
I don't want anyone to hesitate.
I will try my best to help even though I am not a professional.
I can always help you find professionals if that's what you want or just be a shoulder to lean on.
There are so few now for many of us that we need all the friends we can get.
And that is what I would be to anyone who needs it.
A friend.

Now.
Post.
I almost asphyxiated on my own vomit in the shower today.
I was purging and I got vomit stuck in my throat.
Needless to say I'm still here but it opened my eyes to a few things.
One being this will probably kill me faster than starvation.
I will probably be found in a pool of blood and vomit and it will not be pretty.
Two being I have really fucked up my body already.
I have a heart that likes to teeter totter and beat out of tune.
I have a live that cannot process toxins anymore.
If I have alcohol or Tylenol my liver could start to fail.
I have a digestive system that likes to not digest.
I have a stomach lining that is faulty.
I have scarred yellowing skin.
I have eyes that used to see perfectly but now only see half of whats there and some things that aren't real.
I have a brain that doesn't function properly least I be doped up on proper meds and who exactly knows what those could be?
I have lungs that seem to be tired after a few short breaths.
I have a throat that is constantly swollen and ripped.
A mouth that burns and tastes of bile.
I have teeth that are sensitive to both hot and cold.
I have gums that are receding and bleed at the slightest touch.
Achy joint that don't move well.
A twitch in my neck and arm and torso that are probably related to my nonexistent eating disorder.
I have a faulty body and a broken mind.
I need a little more fixing than doctors could possibly do.
I am dying.
Right now.
With each heart beat I get closer.
Technically you could argue that he/she/it and you are dying too.
I think I'm getting closer than he/she and it though.
Now you?
I'm not sure.
You are the one writing your story and it is one I haven't read.
You could be no better off than me.
But there is always time to change that if you wish.

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438


For those of you still hoping for a future.
Hoping to escape the hellish world you live in.
Don't be afraid to press the buttons that might save your life.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

I will not lie to you.

don't even care about thin.
I don't care about thigh gaps or bikinis.
I don't care about feeling good about myself or buying a certain size of children's jeans.
I care about being emaciated.
I care about perforated esophagus' from forced vomiting.
I care about lesions that form in the brain and cause epilepsy.
I care about all the gastric and intestinal disorders and illnesses I can develop.
I care about osteoporosis.
I care about heart murmurs and palpitations.
I care about seizures.
I care about feeding tubes.
I care about inpatient stays in an eating disorder treatment center.
I care about the pain of my muscles eating themselves away.
I care about too tired to move let alone do those fucking crunches.
I care about too sick to live and breathe anymore.
This was never about thin.
Maybe for about five seconds but ever since then it's been about I'm getting as sick as possible because I never want to wake up again.
I do not condone this.
I do not glamorize or promote this.
I want to die.
I do not want to be model thin to show off ma prfuct bodyyy.
No.
I want to stop BREATHING.
I don't think a lot of people are getting this.
I don't think they are understanding this.
I do not want cheered on how ever kind you are trying to be.
I don't want you to think this is anything less than what it is.
A very lengthy drawn out planned suicide.
Not attempt.
It will kill me and there is not doubt about that.
I do not require pictures of thin happy girls.
I do not require tips on how to get out of meals.
I do not require assistance via buddy because I am killing myself.
I do not want anyone to do this with me.
I am not sealing your fate and digging your grave.
We can be friends.
I can care about you and you may care about me.
We may talk about our hardships and the good times like real friends do.
But I will not help anyone starve themselves not only because I am completely and totally against that but because I am aiming for the ground not the runway.
I appreciate comments and I love being messaged.
But I will not and do not support supporting my suicide.
If anyone tries to cheer me on I'm sorry no matter how much I like you I am going to block and report you.
I am not giving you an illusions about what I am doing so please just respect this.
I in no way ask you to respect my suicide and I do love when people try and tell me to get help though I'm not going to lie to you that doesn't do much for me.
I am asking you to respect me and not say
"WOW great intake today Rach!! I wish I had your willpower!"
Because this is not willpower.
This is total and complete self hatred.
This is me mutilating by body limb from limb.
Inside to out I am killing my body and I do not want praise for it.
And when I say stay strong I do not mean skip another day of eating. I mean take care of yourself. I mean try and hold your bursting seams together because you can make it through this day and you will get through tomorrow.
I do not mean GOOD YES YOU SKIPPED A MEAL YOU ARE STRONG.
That isn't strength.
Strength is holding onto your life even when you want to slit your throat open.
Strength is allowing yourself to eat today because of your children and your family and the fact that they deserve to have you for a whole life time.
Strength is trying with all your efforts to beat the odds against your happiness.
And by happiness I am not talking about a number on a scale.
Because in reality that scale is rubbish and it is just a hunk of machinery we are letting rule our lives when we should be with our friends and family LIVING.
Do not ever think of yourself as pathetic for wanting to be happy with your flaws and your body as is.
Do not ever think it pathetic to be tired of restricting/binging/purging/starving.
Do not ever think it weak to want to live.
Do not ever think you are not strong.
<3 Hang in there lovely people
Cheers

450

I slept through dinner :D
I love it when that happens.
I got too tired.
But now I am up at 5:05 am and I'm hungry.
To start breakfast or not to start breakfast that is the question.
I'll probably start breakfast in a half hour or so.
Maybe I'll shower first.
This is a shit post more later.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

I just wish

I could die.
I can't stand looking at the lives of people who left.
I can't stand thinking about all the mistakes I've made and everything I've failed to do.
I can't stand thinking about how fucked up I am.
While people are out going to school and living I'm sitting in my room at 7:05 am having not slept yet.
I'm sitting here talking to my newest hallucination.
I'm sitting here thinking about the fifty three pills I have stashed in my closet.
I'm thinking about my last failed suicide attempt.
I'm thinking about my razor under my pillow.
I'm thinking about slicing open my arteries.
Do you know how many are in your face?
A good ten at least.
Arteries.
Not veins.
I wonder if I can score heroin here.
It's not exactly the drug hot spot but people get marijuana and I've seen a few crack addicts.
Maybe I could score heroin but not sure who I could get it from.
I am such a sick fuck.
I used to be afraid of needles.
After thirteen IVs I don't think so anymore.
Has it been more?
Maybe.
I want to just fuck everything up.
I feel worthless.
I can't take this shit.
Fucking kill me

Fabulous

He's amazing.
He's absolutely amazing.
I could gush about him for hours on end and still keep talking.
Yes Dad actually said yes.
It probably has something to do with the fact that my Mom understood and knew how much this would mean to me.
There aren't even words to describe how lovely he is.
I wanted to cry when he left.
I still want to cry.
I want him back.
I wanted to lock him in my closet(if it was clean) and never let him leave ever again.
His hugs are just gdfjogbfdojg and bfvfdnvfjd.
Nope.
He has to come back.
He is not allowed to be gone.
No living in Louisiana is NOT acceptable I will not allow this.
And his voice is so cute.
I just miss him.

Okay so I'm going to cut and then go to bed. Night lovies.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Lukas

Katie sweetheart thank you <3

Lukas might come and see me. His Mom said he could
It's all up to my Dad.
I'm scared.
He said "perhaps" but I'm afraid of him saying no.
I'm afraid he won't let him.
I won't get this chance again for a long time.
Please just say yes Dad I'm begging you.
I need it more than I could ever tell you.

I was about five seconds away from killing myself last night.
Then I remembered I had to give Lukas his letter and I just couldn't leave him hanging like that.
I put my blade down and stopped cutting.
I'm still breathing but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I just need to be around someone who cares.

Blood and vomit.

I had a panic attack in the car.
I was with my Dad and my brother and grandpa.
They saw the whole thing.
I just wanted to go home after we went out to eat so I could purge and hate myself quietly but no.
Dad wouldn't go straight home unless I gave him a reason.
I cried.
By the time we got home thirty minutes late I was shaking and twitching so bad I could have been seizing.
I ran to the shower, locked the door, stripped, turned on the water and stuck my fingers down my throat.
And I purged fifty times.
Way passed the point when my stomach was empty.
Until my nose started bleeding and I coughed up blood all over the walls.
I sat down shaking and crying when I was done and just let the water run.
When I watched the vomit and the blood swirl down the drain I thought "Maybe I'll just slit my wrists tonight."
I know where to cut and how deep.
I have the right blades.
I can do it.
I cleaned up the shower and now I'm just sitting here soaking wet on my bed crying.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I just want this to end.
Lukas isn't talking to me.
He's upset.
I can't fix it.
I can't make anything better.
I'm fucking useless.
Kill me?
Anyone?