Blood and vomit.

I had a panic attack in the car.
I was with my Dad and my brother and grandpa.
They saw the whole thing.
I just wanted to go home after we went out to eat so I could purge and hate myself quietly but no.
Dad wouldn't go straight home unless I gave him a reason.
I cried.
By the time we got home thirty minutes late I was shaking and twitching so bad I could have been seizing.
I ran to the shower, locked the door, stripped, turned on the water and stuck my fingers down my throat.
And I purged fifty times.
Way passed the point when my stomach was empty.
Until my nose started bleeding and I coughed up blood all over the walls.
I sat down shaking and crying when I was done and just let the water run.
When I watched the vomit and the blood swirl down the drain I thought "Maybe I'll just slit my wrists tonight."
I know where to cut and how deep.
I have the right blades.
I can do it.
I cleaned up the shower and now I'm just sitting here soaking wet on my bed crying.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I just want this to end.
Lukas isn't talking to me.
He's upset.
I can't fix it.
I can't make anything better.
I'm fucking useless.
Kill me?
Anyone?