Holding onto you

I'm reading things I know will hurt me.
Sometimes when I feel like I'm doing too well or have been healthier I like to read/ watch/ listen to really triggering things?
Today it's old personal posts from various eating disordered bloggers on tumblr.
I used to do this kind of thing for motivation but now I just want to feel miserable I guess.
Literally just after I typed up my previous post I thought of taking some oxy to make me feel better.
Pain meds are obviously not to be used for mental illness but they work?
Never have I ever had an antidepressant work for me as well as a narcotic.
There I go again prattling on about drugs.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin is that too much to ask?
When I'm high I am more than comfortable and  yes I understand that's an escape and not solving the problem, but I don't know if  can solve it anymore.
Hear me out for a moment okay?
I've had these problems since I was really young.
Self harm going on what nine, ten years now?
I've been eating disordered or displayed eating disordered habits for over eight years now.
To some people this would obviously be exhausting and debilitating (which it is).
But it's really all I have.
I don't really have any identifying characteristics.
Really the only things I felt were mine or made me different (which is contradictory I know) were my "issues".
Which seems like a big joke to me knowing I've never gotten within twenty pounds of my "ugw".
Never been underweight either so it's not like anyone takes me seriously.
I know this is redundant.
You've heard this all before; from myself as well as other eating disordered people, but it's true.
I've only ever associated my self worth with my ability to harm myself in various different ways.
I'm not ignorant I do realize this isn't healthy or any way to live my life.
That being said I can't give it up.
Not yet.
Maybe after people start taking me seriously.
But I doubt that will ever happen.

An apology of sorts

I rarely ever respond to comments (mostly because I'm not good with people being nice to me I have no idea how to convey how appreciative I am and I usually wind up sounding like a spoiled ungrateful brat) but I thought I'd take the time to say something to this one.
First I'd like to apologize because I think I've needlessly worried you.
I made it seem like I'm doing hard core drugs in the corner of someone's sleazy basement.
When in reality what I'm doing can hardly be considered dangerous.
I've been taking oxycodone orally and no more than 1400mgs at a time.
This isn't even a daily habit.
Lately I've been taking more than what I used to but it's considered a more mild narcotic and not nearly as addictive as other pain relievers.
Although I'm saying that your worry isn't necessary I am not in any way saying I'm ungrateful for it.
I feel the opposite actually I'm incredibly thankful that someone gives a shit.
But I assure you I am not ruining my life over this.
I have all of thirteen pills left and no means to find more.
Getting more pills would also require a certain amount of effort that I am not willing to expend.
Really the only reason I've been abusing these pills is because they greatly reduce my appetite.
Also I find it sort of liberating to not be in mental agony 24/7 (though I am aware this isn't exactly a cure or healthy).
I know this sort of makes me sound like someone in denial over their drug habits/addictions but I only started taking oxy a month ago and only for the last two weeks have I been taking over what the recommended dose is.
Obviously I'm not taking it as prescribed seeing as it's not even my prescription but I'm not taking 1880mgs a day I promise.
I'm sorry to have worried you and I really hope I haven't upset you further.
And that being said please if anyone finds the things I post about to be unsettling or triggering please unfollow I do not wish to hurt anyone.

Don't worry be happy

My life is measured in milligrams.
I have two stashes of pills now.
The stash for suicide and the stash for getting high.
For the passed month I've been abusing my Dad's oxy.
Lately I've started taking more and more of it.
This should probably be worrisome but honestly?
I just like the way it makes me feel.
Everything takes on a warm glow and I get this prickly sensation that sits behind my skin.
It's lovely really.
There's something wonderful about narcotics really.
I think it's the way that depending on how they're ingested they can slow everything down or put your mind into overdrive.
Realistically I know that I need to stop taking these because I get addicted to things in .3 seconds.
But it's nice when I don't have to care about anything and I feel comfortable in my body.
Oxy does that for me.
I could count on one hand the number of things I've eaten in the passed two days and I don't even feel hungry.
At the same time I could have eaten the contents of my fridge and it wouldn't matter because I don't have to care.
Flashbacks?
Take an oxy.
Stressed about future?
Have two more.
I've never had a self destructive habit that actually made me feel good before.
Not in the same way this does.
Currently I can feel the last pill I took kicking and it's such a pretty feeling.

Pills and pills and pills and more pills always pills.

I've been thinking a lot about those pills recently.
The ones stashed in my closet.
Also the ones Dad thinks he hid from me but are really just sitting in a box under his bathroom sink waiting for me.
I've been thinking about how nice it is to just take a few pills and go to sleep.
How lovely it feels when you take just a bit too much oxy and everything gets all soft around the edges.
Really if given the chance I would do heroin in a heartbeat.
Downers are so wonderful I don't know how I functioned without them.
And it would be so easy.
Twenty could probably be enough to kill me the script is really strong.
Maybe not even that many.
I'd just go to sleep and never wake up.
At the worst I'd vomit in my sleep (because too many pills does that to you if you didn't know) and asphyxiate.
Which would probably be awful and painful but hey if it happens in my sleep maybe I won't feel it.
I'm just so tired.
Everything is so difficult.
It's all just so fucked up and I can't fix it.
And I don't know if I really want to anyways.
Maybe I'll go back on meds.
I'm not sure if I'll actually take them or just add them to my collection.
I think I'm at 237 now.
Seems like such a small number but really it's pretty impressive.
Well I think so at least.
Might actually be enough to really kill me this time.
It's a nice thought anyways.

Update?

Remember when I wanted everyone to give up and stop caring?
I was wrong.
Never did I actually think everything could get so fucked up.
I'm tired and I don't know what to do.
Lukas lost his phone.
Actually it was stolen which just makes him another person that I can't talk to.
He's all I have but I can't even talk to him.
I got fat again but that's not new.
Really I think I'm just going to not wake up.
Upon waking up I'm going to take some oxy and got the fuck back to bed.
There really isn't a point anymore.

Panic

Everyone is going to leave me.
All the people that I used to be friends with here left for college and got on with their lives.
They stopped caring because they had better things to care about.
Now I feel like the people I have no are going to forget about me too.
It's a really small group of people but I thought if I only had a few friends they'd be less likely to leave me.
They are all getting older and closer and closer to their graduations and they are going to go off to some big university and forget about me.
And I'll just be sitting here.
Rotting away in my bedroom wishing someone could save me or kill me.
I'm never going to get to college.
All the things I wanted to do in my life are never going to happen.
Mostly because I don't think I'll ever have the courage to actually accomplish anything.
Especially if the things I want to do are for myself.
I spend ten years getting better and worse better worse betterish then so much worse again.
There is no college for me.
No art school will ever take me.
I might as well just die because I'm never going to be the person I want to be.
But I'm not even good at dying.
So I'll just sit here and wait for my body to give up on its own accord.
And as I sit here I'll watch them leave.
They always leave.

Family. Fuck no.

Just remembered that Mom wants to go visit my Grandma next week.
That means we have to go into Gibsonburg and see all my family.
I am not thin enough to go see my family.
Weighed myself this morning and I'm finally back down to 139 but a week is not enough time for me to lose 20 more pounds.
Kinda freaking out right now.
My family always comments on how I look and unless there is a very visible change with my weight they are going to think I've been eating the same way I was before?
One thing about my family is that they fucking feed you.
You go there for dinner and you will gain about 5 pounds in one sitting.
There isn't really a way for me to get out of eating there.
I also need to wear long sleeves and I look so fat in everything I own.
Two of my cousins have been dieting and going to the gym for about a year now and they got so thin I cannot be seen around them being so fat.
I feel like I failed?
Last time I saw them I made myself a promise that I would be a lot thinner when I saw them again.
139 pounds is a little less than I was but that's still too much.
Way way too much I'm so upset with myself.
If I didn't think I would binge like crazy I would start a week long fast but I would binge.
Not to mention the fact that I will have to eat constantly around my mother and I know I'm going to gain.
There is nothing more terrifying to me right now than gaining weight.
I haven't even eaten today but I'm so bloated.
Now I'm also really anxious so I'm afraid I won't be able to eat or if I do eat I'll have to purge.
I only purge when I eat too much of a safe food (i.e. three mugs-always eaten in a mug- of cheerios in less than a 24 time span) or I've eaten a food that makes me anxious.
But if I keep thinking about this everything is going to make me anxious.
I don't want to see my family.
I don't want to turn nineteen.
I don't want to be forced to eat.
Can I please just sleep through the next two weeks?