I miss it.

That normalness.
Being able to laugh effortlessly.
Eating without a care in the world.
I miss being able to feel sad but not needing the comfort of a blade to feel better.
I miss being able to go out with people and not worry about the stares and constant anxiety.
I miss feeling like everything is okay.
I miss being around my family and not having to constantly watch what I think and say.
I miss not having flashbacks.
I miss not being disgusted with my reflection.
I miss everything about the old me.
How much I used to care.
How I used to be able to just be me.
No voices screaming in my head.
How I never used to disappoint people like this.
I miss not being so fucked up in the head.
I'm so fucking sick.
I hate being me.

Losing

Lost a follower.
Thought I'd lose more.
You guys are fucking lovely you know that?
I lost 28lbs.
Fuck.
Isn't that amazing?
I mean I have so much more to lose but since I've started I've lost that much.
I can't get over it.
I don't feel good about myself but I'm okay with myself.
I'm not going to eat but I will let myself tomorrow.
Dad made banana bread.
I'll let myself just enjoy the smell and won't tell myself it's disgusting and I'm too fat for it.
If I want a piece tomorrow I can have it.
Only one.
I'm semi proud.
I can do better.
I am so sick.
I'm not even going to lie to myself anymore this is sick.
I look in the mirror and I see what I'm doing.
Not me getting thinner but the lack of sleep.
The deep purpling rings are forming around my eyes.
I get paler and paler as each day passes.
I'm going to look see through one of these days.
My hair looks healthy now but I lose more and more of it every day.
In about three months I'm going to start losing huge clumps.
My nails are blue.
My teeth hurt.
I get severe chest pains and vertigo.
I have yet to pass out so that's a plus.
I'm just tired.
<3 anyways.
Stay strong
and for those of you who still care
I LOVE YOU
CHEERS

I'm trying

Not to eat.
Why am I so hungry today?
Fuck.
Here have some pictures.

Pen and ink. Crowquill pen. Free expression piece.

Pen and ink. Basic nib.

Prismacolored pencils. Sophomore year.

Ebony pencil and white prismacolors. Said fuck it to the table line. I hate ellipses.

This will be the death of me. Silver point. Gessoed illustration board 5x8. Been working on this fucker for five months. FTW.

There's my art.
Going to shower.
It's too early for me.
Fuck.
I want a cigarette.
<3 Stay strong you loveable people
CHEERS
P.S. RIP my lovely comments.

135.4

My tummy was pretty this morning.
I couldn't get over it.
I stared at it in the mirror for a good half hour and because of it I was late for therapy.
oops.
All of the jeans that didn't fit me now fit.
I went from wearing all sweat pants to having like seven pairs of decent jeans.
And they get baggier every day.
I love the feeling of being empty.
I love having a stomach that doesn't want to have anything in it.
I ate too much today.
But when I hit my limit I knew it.
I didn't even eat 500 calories.
I'm getting back to that sick phase and I'm loving every minute of it.
I love the feeling of dizziness I get when I walk.
I love how hard it is for me to get out of bed because I have no energy.
I can't wait until I start getting the muscle cramps again.
I've already started getting the nightmares.
Gaining weight at rapid paces.
Nonstop eating in hellish cafeterias while people stare at me.
Drowning in food.
Standing naked in the middle of a room while people laugh and point out my flaws.
These while being complete terrifying are a sign that means I'm losing.
I only have nightmares when I get really sick.
Last time I got nightmares was when I was 116lbs.
God I miss that.
Dad keeps saying I'm disappearing.
You're right Dad I plan on it.
POOF.
Gone.
I plan to weigh a lot less by this time next month.
Samantha wants me to go to her prom.
No way am I getting into a dress looking like this.

In other news:
I got seen.
Yay.
I was at this smoothie place with my brother and two people from my English class saw me. Lovely.
One of them was this girl and it was really awkward because I was twitching really bad and she didn't know what to say.
The other was this kid named Mike and he's so loveable <3
He gives the best hugs and he is such a sweetheart.
Okay.
I'm done.
stay strong <3 br="">CHEERS

Doesn't it just hurt your eyes?

My blog is so fucking cheerful it makes my head hurt.
But I did that on purpose.
Fun makes me want to dance so I decided to share the musical pleasure and annoy the fuck out of everyone and make sure it was on auto play.
So now you loveable fuckers have to go allll the way down to the bottom of my page and click off.
:D
I love you <3
I still haven't taken my pills.
Oops.
Can't do that now.
I'm going to grab a vitamin water and go to sleep.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

137.6lbs

I don't even feel hungry anymore.
I get this slight feeling like my mouth is dry and my stomach is intensely empty but that's it.
Its weird.
I haven't had this feeling.
Ever.
I didn't eat yesterday.
Or the day before that.
If I did it was a bite of a yogurt before I gave it to Honey so I could swallow my pills.
Last time I ate was March 1st.
I don't even think about it.
I feel so strange.
I don't have the energy to get up and move.
I just don't want to be awake.
I refuse to shower even though I know I smell.
I sleep constantly.
I slept 20 hours.
It's ridiculous.
I've been peeling whole chunks of skin from my lips and I don't think that's normal.
Then again nothing about me and what's going on with my fucked up body is normal.
I mean I have violent fucking twitches for fucks sake.
Not normal at all.
I feel like you all need a change my blog is getting old. I'm going to attack it tonight.
I was going to pass out with Lukas but I have been listening to Fun and think my iPod at the bottom needs a change and so does the rest of my blog.
Huzzah.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

I feel dead

138.8lbs.
But for some reason I'm not happy.
I can't see it.
I want drugs.
I want cocaine.
Or meth.
It's cheaper and effects your weight more.
Has anyone noticed this has nothing to do with my appearance anymore?
I don't give a fuck what I look like.
I just want to die.
That's how fucking desperate I am.
I hope this eats me alive.
I'm going to shower.
Cut the fuck out of my arms.
Smoke a cigarette.
And then burn myself.
There goes a month burn free.
Oops.
Do I give a fuck?
No.
I really don't.
Am I getting better Mr. Therapist at Php?
No I'm not.
Are you wasting your time?
Yes. All of you are.
This is a chemical imbalance mother so I'm not going to take the stupid fucking test you sent me.
This is me.
Wanting to die.
Ripping my skin open.
Starving myself.
Taking pills because that's what I do.
That's how I cope.
Sorry you have such a fuck up for a daughter.
But maybe one of these days you just have to open your fucking eyes and except that you have a suicidal piece of shit as a daughter.
Sorry to disappoint.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS
P.S.
Alone in the house with Sam. Lovely. This will be a fun day. Yay flashbacks.