There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.

4:34 am and suddenly it hits me.
Just like it did last time.
Suddenly I need to go swallow pills.
Cut open my arm leave scars that won't ever fade.
Cut to see the fucking bone.
I haven't but I need to.
It's like all of the sudden I need to make a move stand on a tight rope over a cliff and see if fate lets the wind take me.
I don't know.
It's like all of the sudden in my mind it's RIGHT.
Like not having 30+ pills in me is wrong.
It feels wrong.
Like I need it.
No small person in my head is telling me DO IT.
KILL YOURSELF NOW.
No.
I don't have that.
I have this need.
Like something gets under my skin.
Crawls under there and plays.
Rips at my nerves.
Screams in my head.
Makes me itchy.
Makes me want to bleed.
Makes me want to see if I am alive or just a figment of my own fucked up screwed up twisted imagination.
Maybe Alice doesn't exist.
Maybe Rachael doesn't either.
Lets go find out.
CHEERS

40 calories

I like people's reactions.
I hate sex.
Completely.
I hate being touched and being exposed it feels disgusting.
But I LOVE other people's reactions to being touched.
Julia likes being touched we will leave it at that.
She's a sweet heart and I feel like an asshole.
I don't love her and I know I won't.
But I'm going to stay with her probably until she leaves for college(if she doesn't take a year off) or when I leave for college. That's a year or two.
Eventually I'll have to tell Dad we're together.
I wonder if we'll go to prom together this year :D
I'm going to be her cute little THIN girl friend.
I'm going to continue smoking.
I know she won't like it.
I am going to get better at art and I'll be fine.
Not good.
Not okay.
But FINE.
I will be no more that 80 lbs when I start college(if the world doesn't end before that ahahahaha no.)
I will pretend I'm not dead inside for two more years.
I will be thin.
I will probably not survive but whatever.
<3 Stay strong all those who read this shit
CHEERS

60 calories

So far and I require a cigarette more than my left arm.
No one will leave long enough for me to get a good few drags.
I'm so tired and there is four days left for me to finish these projects not to mention my summer reading.
I have no clue how I'm supposed to finish all of this.
I just wanna go to sleep and stay asleep for the next four days and wake up with everything completed.
I haven't even started and am no where near starting my hanging sculpture.
My still life is taking so fucking long it's ridiculous.
I still can't figure out how to use melted crayons as paint without it drying too fast and clumpy.
It dries the consistency of dried shit.
I want to bang my head into a wall.
I keep thinking maybe if I slit my wrists or down enough pills to land me in the hospital and claim mental break down if the bitch will give me more time.
Probably not.
Recently I've been thinking about suicide via blowing a hole in my head.
I like it.
It's dramatic and messy.
Yummy.
Brains all over the carpet how ever will Daddy wash it out?
Anyways just wanted to let you all know I'm alive(for now) and I love you all
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Me :D

I don't want to be alive anymore.
I just don't.
It hit me.
I was with my friend Amber tonight and she's exactly how I used to be except a whole hell of a lot thinner(106lbs).
But we were talking and I realized.
I'm not only sick of being me.
I just don't want to do it anymore.
I'm happiest when I fucking miserable.
I will complain.
I will cry.
I will hate myself.
It's the only way I've known.
So I'll be happy being that way.
And I'll get thinner.
And be without the person I love.
I'll wither away to nothingness because I am a fucked up pathetic piece of shitty cliche
<3Stay strong
CHEERS

Life.

Is getting tiresome.
I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to no one.
Like I'm nothing.
Like people just got tired of me(friends included) because I'm boring and complain too much.
I feel like everyone has gotten tired of me.
I feel like I'm one of those counted in everyone.
And whenever I say I'm tired of being me I get the same goddamn answer.
"Then change yourself."
Well Einstein hadn't fucking thought of that.
Hmm well asshole why don't YOU try changing yourself.
Try being someone you like.
Try not thinking things you always have for sixteen soon to be seventeen years of your fucking life because apparently it's that simple.
And somehow I still don't like myself.
"What are you doing to change it?"
"Only you can change Rachael"
Yeah well go fuck yourself.
You know what I'm doing?
I'm smoking.
I'm attempting to starve myself.
I'm resolving to kill myself,
HEY
I bet THAT is my answer!!!
If I'm dead then who the fuck cares who I was?
Exactly my thoughts people.
I'm bitter and lonely.
Somethings just never fucking change do they?
People do all the time, but not reliable old Rachael.
No she's still a fucking push over.
GO ahead walk all over her.
Ha worse that could happen is she kills herself and that's not so bad.
Wouldn't be much of a waste she seemed kinda dreary and empty don't you think?
Me too.
Stay strong <3
CHEERS to those of you who actually read this bullshit.

I hate myself so much

I am about ready to find a carving knife and rip open my flesh and pull out all this disgusting bubly white fat thats covering my bones.
I want to RIP IT OFF.
So fucking badly.
I have never been more disgusted or ashamed of myself.
I am ugly worthless and fat and it PISSES ME OFF.
I am going to go cut myself.
<3 dreams.="" good="" night="" p="" sweet="">CHEERS

sklngvpaingpa

Holy fucking followers batman lol
123? I feel fucking loved <3
Can't post at all :( no charger so I'll post when I get back love you <3
Stay strong
CHEERS