Fixing Rachael

I have my huge mug of 25 calorie coffee and I'm getting ready to get into the shower.
I'm going to do some cleaning today to make sure I keep busy.
Dad got me some fantastic face washes so I'm going to wash my face five times today.
I need to get rid of my arm fat.
The more I look at my arms the more disgusted I am.
I'm tired of being such a fat ass.
I'm going to exercise and look at clothes I want to wear and work my ass off to be thinner.
I'm going to take a multivitamin, wash my face everyday, drink my coffee, then I'm going to carve up my wrists because I'm tired of being this.
Dad is mad at me and grumbling and cursing in the other room.
Yeah Dad I don't like me either.
Don't worry I'll fix this.
It's sad though because he acts like he didn't want me to live.
Maybe his life would just be easier if I did die.
Maybe everyone would be better off.
Gotta take my pill.
Haven't taken it in three days.
Oops.
<3 Stay strong
CHEERS

Alive.

Don't want to be.
As you can tell.
Went back to school for the first time today.
FUN.
I have so much work to do.
I'm on antidepressants.
Lexapro.
They make me never want to eat.
I ate once today.
Feel fat as fuck.
Not going to throw up.
Don't have the energy.
Tired.
Shakey.
It's freaky how bad my hands shake because of these meds.
Guess who hasn't bothered to give me a call?
Did you really think he would Rachie poo?
No.
Maybe.
I was hoping.
Now I just want to do it all over again.
Sad isn't it?
And no one noticed.
I could be dead.
No one noticed.
Or cared.
My wrist is pretty.
Not as pretty as it was.
I want to rip it open again.
Not like dad checks it.
Maybe I'll just pull the scab off.
Funny if it would have been a millimeter over and a wee bit deeper I would have bled out.
Dead two times over.
Liver almost failed.
Would have if I'd been maybe fifteen minutes later.
I hate being me.
Even after a few good days of being surrounded by people who feel the same I still can't feel completely okay.
Maybe it's side effects of the meds.
Maybe I should tell someone.
HA.
Right.
<3 stay strong lovies and don't get your hopes up
CHEERS

75 pills later

And I can't breathe.
Everything is foggy.
I feel like shit.
I want to hurl but nothing will come up because I didn't eat anything all day.
Every pill was dissolved in stomach acid.
I found out a 'friend' isn't actually a friend after all.
Jason went to sleep.
I talked to him for a bit.
I don't know if he will actually remember talking to me because e was dead tired.
'Friend' hung up on me.
Eric was asleep.
So is Samantha.
SO is everyone else because who would be up at 5:12 am on a school day?
Yeah that's right SCHOOL.
Still fat as ever and I get to go to school.
It's isn't happening.
I'm too fucked up for school.
I want to go to sleep.
But I'm scared to.
I wasn't afraid as the pills went down two by two but now I am.
If I make it through this I need to be hospitalized.
Immediately.
I'm just going to tell Dad that I think I need to be hospitalized.
Nothing more or less.
Just look him in the eye(my pupils are fucking HUGE) and say we need to go get me hospitalized.
He asks why I'm just going to say we need to.
It's not right that I feel like this.
At all
CHEERS

There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.

4:34 am and suddenly it hits me.
Just like it did last time.
Suddenly I need to go swallow pills.
Cut open my arm leave scars that won't ever fade.
Cut to see the fucking bone.
I haven't but I need to.
It's like all of the sudden I need to make a move stand on a tight rope over a cliff and see if fate lets the wind take me.
I don't know.
It's like all of the sudden in my mind it's RIGHT.
Like not having 30+ pills in me is wrong.
It feels wrong.
Like I need it.
No small person in my head is telling me DO IT.
KILL YOURSELF NOW.
No.
I don't have that.
I have this need.
Like something gets under my skin.
Crawls under there and plays.
Rips at my nerves.
Screams in my head.
Makes me itchy.
Makes me want to bleed.
Makes me want to see if I am alive or just a figment of my own fucked up screwed up twisted imagination.
Maybe Alice doesn't exist.
Maybe Rachael doesn't either.
Lets go find out.
CHEERS

40 calories

I like people's reactions.
I hate sex.
Completely.
I hate being touched and being exposed it feels disgusting.
But I LOVE other people's reactions to being touched.
Julia likes being touched we will leave it at that.
She's a sweet heart and I feel like an asshole.
I don't love her and I know I won't.
But I'm going to stay with her probably until she leaves for college(if she doesn't take a year off) or when I leave for college. That's a year or two.
Eventually I'll have to tell Dad we're together.
I wonder if we'll go to prom together this year :D
I'm going to be her cute little THIN girl friend.
I'm going to continue smoking.
I know she won't like it.
I am going to get better at art and I'll be fine.
Not good.
Not okay.
But FINE.
I will be no more that 80 lbs when I start college(if the world doesn't end before that ahahahaha no.)
I will pretend I'm not dead inside for two more years.
I will be thin.
I will probably not survive but whatever.
<3 Stay strong all those who read this shit
CHEERS

60 calories

So far and I require a cigarette more than my left arm.
No one will leave long enough for me to get a good few drags.
I'm so tired and there is four days left for me to finish these projects not to mention my summer reading.
I have no clue how I'm supposed to finish all of this.
I just wanna go to sleep and stay asleep for the next four days and wake up with everything completed.
I haven't even started and am no where near starting my hanging sculpture.
My still life is taking so fucking long it's ridiculous.
I still can't figure out how to use melted crayons as paint without it drying too fast and clumpy.
It dries the consistency of dried shit.
I want to bang my head into a wall.
I keep thinking maybe if I slit my wrists or down enough pills to land me in the hospital and claim mental break down if the bitch will give me more time.
Probably not.
Recently I've been thinking about suicide via blowing a hole in my head.
I like it.
It's dramatic and messy.
Yummy.
Brains all over the carpet how ever will Daddy wash it out?
Anyways just wanted to let you all know I'm alive(for now) and I love you all
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Me :D

I don't want to be alive anymore.
I just don't.
It hit me.
I was with my friend Amber tonight and she's exactly how I used to be except a whole hell of a lot thinner(106lbs).
But we were talking and I realized.
I'm not only sick of being me.
I just don't want to do it anymore.
I'm happiest when I fucking miserable.
I will complain.
I will cry.
I will hate myself.
It's the only way I've known.
So I'll be happy being that way.
And I'll get thinner.
And be without the person I love.
I'll wither away to nothingness because I am a fucked up pathetic piece of shitty cliche
<3Stay strong
CHEERS