Scared

I don't even need to binge to purge anymore.
I wasn't going to eat today but Dad forced me to get something at Panera after I met my tutor.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to meet them there.
I didn't even eat that much.
I had a piece of bread(80)
A salad(160)
A caramel latte(210)
And 1/2 a toffee and caramel cookie(75)
525.
Definitely not a binge.
No where NEAR it.
I purged.
I got almost everything up.
Actually.
I got everything except like a bite of the bread up.
And a few pieces of lettuce because apparently it's really hard to purge salad.
But not cake.
I have the talent of purging cake(last night not today).
My metabolism is catching back up again.
I can feel it.
I feel emptier.
Better.
Last time I weighed myself I was 138.
That number better decrease.
I'm going to weigh myself at Moms when I get there.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
I'm fucking terrified.
This isn't a pleasure visit and I can tell.
There's something going on.
Mom and Dad have found something out; what I don't know but I'm going to Moms.
I think they want me to go to residential.
Actually I'm pretty damn sure they want me in residential.
I'll kill myself as soon as I get out if they force me in.
There's no fucking way.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

131.6lbs

I saw this number on the scale.
I'm getting closer and closer.
I'm so close to the 120's.
I remember when I was hoping for the 150's.
And every cell in my body tingles in anticipation for the 110's.
And the 100's.
And the 90's.
I've been losing weight so quickly.
I love it.
And I haven't been weighed at the doctors in so long.
It's going to kill me when I get there because the morning of I'm going to have to water load like crazy.
I will also wear like five t-shirts underneath a hoodie and claim I'm not wearing anything under it.
I am so scared for when that day comes.
It's in a few weeks.
And this weekend is a terrifying thought.
Samantha and Mom are going to make me eat so much.
I'm so terrified.
I have to get to the 120's this week.
I need to get there before they make me eat.
I know when they see me I'm going to get yelled at.
I just know it.
I'm so scared.
I don't want to eat.
I'm three days clean from cutting.
I don't want her to see my cuts.
I'm so terrified that she's going to make me pull up my sleeves.
I'm scared of everything.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

Food

I won't eat it but I could talk about it for hours.
Lukas and I are talking about food.
We always talk about food.
It's like a common topic with us.
I love food.
I don't think I understood what Marya Hornbacher meant until I got this sick.
The whole making love to food thing because food is the desired object of your affection?
Yes.
Completely true.
I was very close to making a food blog.
Completely healthy one.
But a food blog at that.
Still debating.
I love food so much.
I don't even want to eat it.
I just love looking at it and pretending I can.
And remembering the tastes and smells.
I love it.
Love it love it love it.

Also I love YOU Ana Always There
seriously your comment made my day.
<3 alright="" done="" i="" m="" p="">stay strong
CHEERS

I could cry

Samantha is coming to visit me.
I haven't seen her in so long and all i want to do is hug her.
I know as soon as I see her I'm going to bawl like a fucking baby.
She's my best friend in the whole fucking universe.
I have to be good.
I'm going to make sure I dress up and I look good.
I have to hide my arms.
And legs.
And I have to eat.
God my stomach feels sick right now just thinking about it.
I ate breakfast this morning.
Homemade banana bread which was fucking godly.
And a small cup of blackberries.
I'll eat a yogurt later.
I like restricting.
I like empty.
I feel good.
I stayed up until 10:30 am today.
I had a mental break down.
I don't think I cried that hard since Kelsey left.
I had tears running down my face.
That doesn't happen.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
I am so sick.
There is just so much wrong with me.
I don't even know what it is anymore.
I just know that my head isn't right.
And Kelsey.
She is happy.
And even if she isn't she has the strength to pull through and go on with her life.
Why am I just so stuck?
I hate this feeling.

I wonder if people don't know how to unfollow or if they got tired of reading.
Well okay.
To that one person who checks my blog everyday:
I think I love you.
Marry me?
I'll get you an elephant and you can name it whatever you want.
It'll be able to fly.
Because magic is REAL.
Okay I'm done.
<3 stay strong my lovely.
CHEERS

I miss it.

That normalness.
Being able to laugh effortlessly.
Eating without a care in the world.
I miss being able to feel sad but not needing the comfort of a blade to feel better.
I miss being able to go out with people and not worry about the stares and constant anxiety.
I miss feeling like everything is okay.
I miss being around my family and not having to constantly watch what I think and say.
I miss not having flashbacks.
I miss not being disgusted with my reflection.
I miss everything about the old me.
How much I used to care.
How I used to be able to just be me.
No voices screaming in my head.
How I never used to disappoint people like this.
I miss not being so fucked up in the head.
I'm so fucking sick.
I hate being me.

Losing

Lost a follower.
Thought I'd lose more.
You guys are fucking lovely you know that?
I lost 28lbs.
Fuck.
Isn't that amazing?
I mean I have so much more to lose but since I've started I've lost that much.
I can't get over it.
I don't feel good about myself but I'm okay with myself.
I'm not going to eat but I will let myself tomorrow.
Dad made banana bread.
I'll let myself just enjoy the smell and won't tell myself it's disgusting and I'm too fat for it.
If I want a piece tomorrow I can have it.
Only one.
I'm semi proud.
I can do better.
I am so sick.
I'm not even going to lie to myself anymore this is sick.
I look in the mirror and I see what I'm doing.
Not me getting thinner but the lack of sleep.
The deep purpling rings are forming around my eyes.
I get paler and paler as each day passes.
I'm going to look see through one of these days.
My hair looks healthy now but I lose more and more of it every day.
In about three months I'm going to start losing huge clumps.
My nails are blue.
My teeth hurt.
I get severe chest pains and vertigo.
I have yet to pass out so that's a plus.
I'm just tired.
<3 anyways.
Stay strong
and for those of you who still care
I LOVE YOU
CHEERS

I'm trying

Not to eat.
Why am I so hungry today?
Fuck.
Here have some pictures.

Pen and ink. Crowquill pen. Free expression piece.

Pen and ink. Basic nib.

Prismacolored pencils. Sophomore year.

Ebony pencil and white prismacolors. Said fuck it to the table line. I hate ellipses.

This will be the death of me. Silver point. Gessoed illustration board 5x8. Been working on this fucker for five months. FTW.

There's my art.
Going to shower.
It's too early for me.
Fuck.
I want a cigarette.
<3 Stay strong you loveable people
CHEERS
P.S. RIP my lovely comments.