Fabulous

He's amazing.
He's absolutely amazing.
I could gush about him for hours on end and still keep talking.
Yes Dad actually said yes.
It probably has something to do with the fact that my Mom understood and knew how much this would mean to me.
There aren't even words to describe how lovely he is.
I wanted to cry when he left.
I still want to cry.
I want him back.
I wanted to lock him in my closet(if it was clean) and never let him leave ever again.
His hugs are just gdfjogbfdojg and bfvfdnvfjd.
Nope.
He has to come back.
He is not allowed to be gone.
No living in Louisiana is NOT acceptable I will not allow this.
And his voice is so cute.
I just miss him.

Okay so I'm going to cut and then go to bed. Night lovies.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Lukas

Katie sweetheart thank you <3

Lukas might come and see me. His Mom said he could
It's all up to my Dad.
I'm scared.
He said "perhaps" but I'm afraid of him saying no.
I'm afraid he won't let him.
I won't get this chance again for a long time.
Please just say yes Dad I'm begging you.
I need it more than I could ever tell you.

I was about five seconds away from killing myself last night.
Then I remembered I had to give Lukas his letter and I just couldn't leave him hanging like that.
I put my blade down and stopped cutting.
I'm still breathing but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I just need to be around someone who cares.

Blood and vomit.

I had a panic attack in the car.
I was with my Dad and my brother and grandpa.
They saw the whole thing.
I just wanted to go home after we went out to eat so I could purge and hate myself quietly but no.
Dad wouldn't go straight home unless I gave him a reason.
I cried.
By the time we got home thirty minutes late I was shaking and twitching so bad I could have been seizing.
I ran to the shower, locked the door, stripped, turned on the water and stuck my fingers down my throat.
And I purged fifty times.
Way passed the point when my stomach was empty.
Until my nose started bleeding and I coughed up blood all over the walls.
I sat down shaking and crying when I was done and just let the water run.
When I watched the vomit and the blood swirl down the drain I thought "Maybe I'll just slit my wrists tonight."
I know where to cut and how deep.
I have the right blades.
I can do it.
I cleaned up the shower and now I'm just sitting here soaking wet on my bed crying.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I just want this to end.
Lukas isn't talking to me.
He's upset.
I can't fix it.
I can't make anything better.
I'm fucking useless.
Kill me?
Anyone?

Scared

I don't even need to binge to purge anymore.
I wasn't going to eat today but Dad forced me to get something at Panera after I met my tutor.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to meet them there.
I didn't even eat that much.
I had a piece of bread(80)
A salad(160)
A caramel latte(210)
And 1/2 a toffee and caramel cookie(75)
525.
Definitely not a binge.
No where NEAR it.
I purged.
I got almost everything up.
Actually.
I got everything except like a bite of the bread up.
And a few pieces of lettuce because apparently it's really hard to purge salad.
But not cake.
I have the talent of purging cake(last night not today).
My metabolism is catching back up again.
I can feel it.
I feel emptier.
Better.
Last time I weighed myself I was 138.
That number better decrease.
I'm going to weigh myself at Moms when I get there.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
I'm fucking terrified.
This isn't a pleasure visit and I can tell.
There's something going on.
Mom and Dad have found something out; what I don't know but I'm going to Moms.
I think they want me to go to residential.
Actually I'm pretty damn sure they want me in residential.
I'll kill myself as soon as I get out if they force me in.
There's no fucking way.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

131.6lbs

I saw this number on the scale.
I'm getting closer and closer.
I'm so close to the 120's.
I remember when I was hoping for the 150's.
And every cell in my body tingles in anticipation for the 110's.
And the 100's.
And the 90's.
I've been losing weight so quickly.
I love it.
And I haven't been weighed at the doctors in so long.
It's going to kill me when I get there because the morning of I'm going to have to water load like crazy.
I will also wear like five t-shirts underneath a hoodie and claim I'm not wearing anything under it.
I am so scared for when that day comes.
It's in a few weeks.
And this weekend is a terrifying thought.
Samantha and Mom are going to make me eat so much.
I'm so terrified.
I have to get to the 120's this week.
I need to get there before they make me eat.
I know when they see me I'm going to get yelled at.
I just know it.
I'm so scared.
I don't want to eat.
I'm three days clean from cutting.
I don't want her to see my cuts.
I'm so terrified that she's going to make me pull up my sleeves.
I'm scared of everything.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS

Food

I won't eat it but I could talk about it for hours.
Lukas and I are talking about food.
We always talk about food.
It's like a common topic with us.
I love food.
I don't think I understood what Marya Hornbacher meant until I got this sick.
The whole making love to food thing because food is the desired object of your affection?
Yes.
Completely true.
I was very close to making a food blog.
Completely healthy one.
But a food blog at that.
Still debating.
I love food so much.
I don't even want to eat it.
I just love looking at it and pretending I can.
And remembering the tastes and smells.
I love it.
Love it love it love it.

Also I love YOU Ana Always There
seriously your comment made my day.
<3 alright="" done="" i="" m="" p="">stay strong
CHEERS

I could cry

Samantha is coming to visit me.
I haven't seen her in so long and all i want to do is hug her.
I know as soon as I see her I'm going to bawl like a fucking baby.
She's my best friend in the whole fucking universe.
I have to be good.
I'm going to make sure I dress up and I look good.
I have to hide my arms.
And legs.
And I have to eat.
God my stomach feels sick right now just thinking about it.
I ate breakfast this morning.
Homemade banana bread which was fucking godly.
And a small cup of blackberries.
I'll eat a yogurt later.
I like restricting.
I like empty.
I feel good.
I stayed up until 10:30 am today.
I had a mental break down.
I don't think I cried that hard since Kelsey left.
I had tears running down my face.
That doesn't happen.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
I am so sick.
There is just so much wrong with me.
I don't even know what it is anymore.
I just know that my head isn't right.
And Kelsey.
She is happy.
And even if she isn't she has the strength to pull through and go on with her life.
Why am I just so stuck?
I hate this feeling.

I wonder if people don't know how to unfollow or if they got tired of reading.
Well okay.
To that one person who checks my blog everyday:
I think I love you.
Marry me?
I'll get you an elephant and you can name it whatever you want.
It'll be able to fly.
Because magic is REAL.
Okay I'm done.
<3 stay strong my lovely.
CHEERS