Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm back

First off I'd like to appologize to all of you. I completely abandoned you all, and there is no excuse for it. I haven't been hospitalized and I'm definitly not dead. I've been isolating myself. I used to do it all the time, and now it's just easy. I haven't recovered and nor do I plan to. At one point I stopped caring and ate until I gained ten pounds, but I'm losing them. I don't know what to tell you all. It's been so long, I've changed so much I just don't know where to start.

I haven't picked up Wasted in a month. I still carry it around everywhere I just haven't opened it. I stopped looking inside after I carved a large A into my wrist. The scar will be there forever, it's already been a month and it's still bright purpley red. I like the way it looks there, it reminds me that when everything else fails I still have my eating disorder, which I now realize is probably extremely bad. I'm not as depressed as I used to be but happy doesn't come often either.

I feel fake, if thats a feeling. I feel empty like I'm nothing. I've been thinking about death and the population and the universe and all that exists and I feel pathetically insignificant. Like in five seconds if I died no one would notice. The world is too big and death is too present in my life. I just feel like my being here is WRONG. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it's exactly how it is.

One of the best things about me being away for so long is I finally learned to suck up the Kelsey thing. She's gone for good and I don't give a shit anymore. It's like she never existed in my life anyways so why should I dwell on the fact that she won't come back?

Samantha has a botfriend. SHe's obsessed with him. Each day that passes I feel like I'm losing her more and more to him(which was another reason for my isolation). I'm trying to perpare myself for her leaving, but I know I'll never survive it. I just have to enjoy our friendship while it lasts I guess.

Ben and I got into a fight a while back and he screamed at me about my ED. He did it infront of Sam too. I had told Ben that he was being a lazy good for nothing shit and he threw my selfconciousness and my selfloathing in my face. I can't say I really blame him but I can'ty say I appreciated his outing me either. I think Sammy forgot though because no one has mentioned itand I'm left alone.

I've discovered lately that I'm extremely tired. I just don't want to live anymore and I couldn't give a shit about my figure(LIE. I can't stand mirrors at all and I hate myself everytime I open my mouth to eat something). I'm just looking for an escape now, which a lot of you will write off as complete bull shit(Don't worry I still love all of you and have missed you all so fucking much it's undescribable). I don't expect anyone to understand this. But I'm not going anywhere for a while don't worry =]

I'm dating Julia. She is probably a size eight in jeans. She wears huge hoodies eats carbs and sweets and doesn't care about what other people think about her. She's curvy and soft and her smile is absolutly beautiful. I love her so much. Problem is I don't love her enough. I wish I copul;d love her more but some part of me is holding her just far enough away so she won't miss me too much when I do eventually kick the bucket and take an early bus straight to down under(if hell really exists I'm sure I'll be one of the residence. Encouraging girls to kill themselves and not appreciating what"God" gave me and all that doesn't exactly earn me a ticket to the pearl gates of that bullshit fantasy called heaven does it? Sorry if you believe in either place I'm not trying to mock your religion just mocking myself and my own hoplessness. I respect the faith you have and wish I could have faith in something like that.). I wish I could have enough strength to push her away completely and spare her but I'm entirely too selfish and too damn lonely for that.

I love you guys all of you. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that you are all here. I love you all so much and wish I could be better for your sake. You are all such beautiful people and I wish you could all see that. Stay strong CHEERS <3