Saturday, July 7, 2012

I'm not okay.
I don't feel good.
I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I don't feel like breathing.
I don't want to eat.
I'm fucking starving but I won't eat that.
I am not recovering;no where near it.
I don't want to use bio oil.
I don't want to be me.
To be this to be anything really.
I just want to go to sleep and I'm sorry but no I can't help you remodel your kitchen.
I'm too busy looking at pictures of self harm and watching suicide tapes to care about what the motherfucking sink will look like.

I'm at my Mom's.
I'm tired of playing the good daughter who smiles and is fine.
I'm exhausted.
I'm fucking done.
How am I supposed to last two weeks here?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Can I just

Lukas has a blogger and he made a post about me can I just share it with you?
Visiting! (Rachael)
I'm also really excited to visit Rach, whenever that is!
She lives in Ohio, so she's pretty far away too.
I hope I can visit her soon. I miss her and I don't tell her I love
her enough.
I wanna go on a walk with her and hold her hand and we
can share earbuds and listen to Del Amitri's "Roll to Me".
I wanna give her a piggyback ride at WalMart. I wanna
kiss her forehead and pet her hair while she falls asleep.
I wanna watch movies with her and let her lay on me and 
just be big gays without a care in the world. When I'm
with her, I just feel like the happiest guy ever?
I really wanna be with her, soon. I need to tell her I love
her. I want to see her get embarrassed when I do, and I'll
kiss her hair and let her hide her face in my chest and I'll
call her a pretty baby and she'll probably hit me. I'll let
her wear my clothes and I'll just look at her and wonder
how lucky I was to meet her.
She's beautiful, and she doesn't know it.
She has the prettiest smile and the cutest laugh and
she's just absolutely perfect.
I love her.
Also I'm sorry this post got so sappy, ahhhh.

adsfghjk,hgfsghjk he's perfect.
I love him so much and he just doesn't know how amazing he is.
I wish you could all meet him and just see how fabulous he is.
I don't think I've ever met someone I've loved so much.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


I hurt.
Everything is just really painful today.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I feel that heavy feeling in my chest.
I'm thinner.
Getting thinner by the minute and everything is still wrong.
It'll always be wrong.
I try so hard to no avail.
The people I fall in love with love someone else.
The things I strive for are out of my reach.
Everyone is oblivious to the fact that I can't seem to keep on going.
Nothing is getting solved and everything is worse than it was.
I feel these horrible aches in my chest that are either entirely in my head or there is something wrong with this ticking heart of mine.
Either way I'm getting worse.
I stand up and the room goes black for a moment while I clutch to the back of my head board with shaky fingers.
My face is taught.
Empty and ghostly pale; I feel more dead than ever.
What happened to the promise of recovery?
What happened to my endless tomorrows and the invincible youthfulness I once possessed?
I look in the mirror and for a split second see the monster I have become.
I see her.
I see her bones start to poke out.
But it isn't right.
I wasn't this thin before was I?
It's off wrong.
This reflection is a dead girl.
Her eyes hold no meaning, no life.
Her skin is graying and she is tired.
She is oh so tired.
She will allow herself to eat but not without a few tears split into her applesauce.
Should I purge it?
Should I get rid of it?
Her head pounds.
She is confused.
She will decide to keep it, her stomach clinging to it for dear life.
And crawl back into her dark hole of a bedroom.
Faint memories of plans that she had made earlier in the summer will flash in her mind.
She will wave it off and drift into restless sleep.
Never quite shaking the feeling of deep clawing exhaustion.