Saturday, February 5, 2011

I don't want to face myself anymore

Julia keeps posting these 'things I hate because of you' posts on facebook. I know they're directed towards me. She hates french music and her birthday. We have the same birthday and I'm in love with french music. Thanks ever so much sweetheart, it's not like I don't hate myself enough already why don't you go ahead and add gasoline to that fire?

I feel worthless. Litterally. I say that I'm going to try to want to get out of bed and actually live but what the fuck is the use? Why? I could make an attempt at being social and pleasant but it doesn't make a difference because I am me. I always put on a fake smile and pretend. No one knows the 'real' me and when a few drops of me leak out people turn their backs. I'm the reason I have no friends. I'm the reason I'm only in relationships for a few weeks to a few short months. I don't even bother to ask whats wrong with me anymore because I already know. I am me. I don't have to try anymore and I can make an entire group of people run the other way. I can clear a room because no one wants to be near me anymore. Not even the people who say they are my friends here. The only people who want to be near me only want to use me for their own benifit. Not that they get much from it.

I'm tired. So tired. I'm tired of living.
Stay strong

Friday, February 4, 2011

I really shouldn't be left alone

I miss who I was. I hate every fiber of my being literally. I don't know who the girl is in the mirror anymore. She's this horrible person that stole my face, and she deserves to die a horrible painful death. I wish I could go back to the beginning and start over that's what I want a redo. I wasn't to go back and change everything. I miss being a little girl. I was reading Wasted in class and I decided fuck it I'll start at the beginning this time instead of reading my favorite parts. I was reading about her childhood. Can I go back there? To when I had morals, to when I loved people, to when the first thing I noticed about someone was their voice or their eyes rather than how thin or fat they may be? I want that naivety back. I want to be innocent and beautiful again. When I was little I was beautiful, if only for the fact that the world couldn't touch me.

I want to be my mommy's little girl again. I want to go to a movie for dinner and eat popcorn without feeling the need to stick my fingers down my throat. I want to sit for endless hours and listen to Dad play guitar and have him tuck me in. I want Benny to love his little sister and not have to take money( $7.00 exactly) for one fucking hug. I want Sam to be my big brother again to hang out with me and play Pokemon and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog and eat ice cream in the summer. It's like I'm this whole other being now. Like that little girl never existed. I'm starting to believe she never did.

I hate being left in my own head. It's like Alice In Wonderland except its on acid and seventy five other hallucinogens. It's terrifying. I want everything to stop, the only problem is that to do that I need to die. So I'm stuck between to die or not to die and its killing me faster. I no longer have a personality. I'm dead. I'm a steryotypical copy cat version of every other fucked up person that ever lived and it's getting old. I'm tired of how cliche I am and in turn I'm tired of myself.

Stay strong
CHEERS to you lovies thanks for reading those who still do <3