Friday, May 11, 2012


There is a bag of vomit in my closet.
I purged in the kitchen sink.
I got vomit up my nose and in my hair and on my TOES.
I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I have 75 pills stashed.
It's a growing collection.
I lost 4.6 lbs in two days.
I am never satisfied.
When it gets to be 1:30 am I am taking my laptop and camping down stairs on the elliptical for a few hours.
And I will probably work out until I can't feel my legs.
And then tomorrow I will probably repeat this process.
This is going to kill me before I reach my 18th birthday.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I have news

I lost 2.8lbs.
Making me 136lbs on the dot.
It sucks because I've been teeter tottering between 134 and 138 for the past month.
I want to get down to the 110's this month.
120's by the end of next week and the 110's by the end of the month.
If I keep up with my 'diet'
I should be okay.
I'm not allowing binges.
I can purge.
I have a NEED to purge.
So I can binge on my safe foods.
But for the rest of this month binges are out of the question.
Today I'm 'fasting'.
Basically the only thing I have is green tea with honey.
I allow extras like apple sauce if I get to pass out mode but I should be fine.
My stomach is tight and it hurts because I'm so fucking hungry.
I missed this feeling.
I am hoping by the end of this month I get that feeling of my calves cramping up in the middle of the night because that means they are eating away at themselves.

The mushy stuff a lot of you probably don't care about.
He apparently likes me back.
Life is horrible but certain things are actually working out for me.
Like weight loss.
Fuck yes for weight loss.
And Lukas.
I wouldn't be here without him.
I love him too much.
Okay done being sappy.
<3 stay strong and be good to yourselves today