Desperation

I just purged vitamin water and macaroni and cheese chunks in the back yard.
I seriously spent five minutes out there and I got out only half of what I ate.
In about three more minutes I'm gonna go back out pretending I have a phone call.
This is what my life has become and it's sad.
I almost fell over into my own vomit pile.
I don't even have anything witty or sarcastic to say this is just how shit everything is now.
My fingers smell like bile.
My throat is sore but my mind keeps saying not sore enough.
The little voices in my head keep telling me to purge until I can't stand.
It was the equivalent to a small bowl(I filled a huge bowl so I could eat the whole pot but only got done about 1/3 of it).
My hands are shaking so bad right now it's hard to type.

It's funny actually

The people around me think that the worst I'd do to myself is cut or skip a meal.
But see there is so much more.
I've heard the horror stories about drugs and I've seen what they can do to people.
They get so desperate they'd do anything for their fix.
And
it does nothing.
I don't care.
I'd throw my entire life away in hopes of an "accidental" overdose.
It's not even an innocent curiosity but complete malicious intent.
The things I would subject myself to; no one can even imagine.
And my loved ones would be devastated if they could take a look at what goes on in my head.
For the longest time I had a thing for a druggie and actually knew a hardcore dealer.
I could probably still get back in contact with both.
Those connections have more to do with the people my brothers know.
It's a small world, really it is.
But I'm supposed to be the good daughter right?
Just a LITTLE fucked in the head nothing a good dose of Zoloft and a bit of therapy won't cure, right?
Right.
Anyways.
Trainspotting is waiting for me on putlocker so
bye bye lovies
stay strong okay?
Don't be a fuck up like me c;