Friday, April 19, 2013

Up two pounds

And instead of freaking out I decided to dance all day.
I feel okayish despite the fact that I ate ice cream this morning.
I am slightly (ridiculously) ashamed of myself?
But really good workout day and I think I'll try to dance everyday now.
This is a shitty post but I've been really shitty for the passed few days.
Really sorry.
Possibly more later?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I felt almost normal yesterday

I actually got out of the house and socialized yesterday.
My friend Amber took me to hang out with her group of friends ( which also use to be my group of friends).
I had so much fun.
It was great we went to Ambiance for one of their birthdays and then we got smoothies (and I had a minor freak out because it wasn't the right size smoothie and had too many calories).
Then we all went to another friends house and there were like seven of us in the basement.
It got awkward at some points though.
I have a really hard time trying to talk with people who are normal or not disordered??
And one of the friends Caleb is or was a self harmer?
For some reason every time I got a glance at the scars on his legs I felt really triggered.
It was just hard for me to be around all of them while they ate and laughed and talked about college and jobs.
I'm exhausted and I can't go to college in the fall I'm too busy being a fuck up.
I don't have a job because I'm too unstable.
I can't eat because I have several debilitating mental illnesses that make it impossible to touch pizza without some sort of panic attack ensuing.
I hate being reminded that I'm just another mentally ill kid surrounded by people who can handle their problems with ease.
And the best part?
Four of them are going to art school next year.
I can't go to art school or even apply because I'm too fucked up to do anything like follow my dreams.