Friday, February 17, 2012

Vienna waits for you.

I didn't realize it until I typed it in  my last post.
I'm dying.
After 7 years of self harm.
After 6 years of fucked up disordered eating.
After years and years of depression and self hatred.
After three suicide attempts.
After living off of pills.
After all the this.
I never actually realized it.
It probably should have occurred to me earlier.
But now it just makes sense.
Now that I don't eat regularly and the weight just drops off.
Now that my blood pressure is shit.
Now that my heart and chest hurt.
Now that I feel it around me.
Like an old friend.
My parents think I'm going to get better,
But I know the truth.
I will die of this.
I will live in the sing song land in my head.
Where up is down and the voices that hold knives to my throat are the best company to come by.
I will die.
God those words feel like such a relief.
Such a comfort.
I just want it to happen.
I felt lovely when I took those pills.
I was on the phone with Lukas and I felt cared for.
I was okay with those being my last moments.
I was just drifting off to sleep and my heart was just getting slower and slower.
It was peaceful.
I just skipped my dinner, which Dad will think I ate.
All I had today was blackberries and a square of chocolate Dad shoved down my throat.
I'll eat less tomorrow.
I'll probably starve to death.
It'll be ugly.
I'll probably lose all my friends.
My family will hate me.
But death will greet me like an old friend.
My therapist will quit working with me.
Eventually everyone will give up on me.
I will just be the dying girl.
The girl that no one could fix.
I was just too broken.
Maybe I just never was supposed to get better.
Maybe I'm supposed to be the one that suffers until I die.
It's just how it is.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired of life.
Living is just so exhausting.
I just want to lay down and have the life drift out of me.
And maybe it soon will.
But until then.
<3 Stay strong lovies.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

In case you were wondering

I'm alive.
150 pills.
I only got to take 45 because I sorta blacked out.
I was talking to this kid named Lukas from tumblr.
He saved me.
If it weren't for him my heart would have slowed down so much it would have stopped.
I was in the psych ward for nine days.
Fun times.
Not really.
Same place as last time.
I fucking hate that place.
I feel like I'm going to end up in another psych ward somewhere.
I don't think I'm getting better at all.
I want to cut.
I ate a shit ton of food tonight.
I lost a lot of weight over the passed few weeks.
Went back from 162.3(FUCKING FAT ASS) to 147.3lbs.
I went back up a little in the hospital. 148lbs.
I'm sure I ballooned now.
I'm going to stop eating again.
Apple sauce and green tea for me.
I hate food.
I'm not eating it.
I have this whole box of Ghirardelli's chocolates my favorites. Fuck it.
I'm throwing them out ad giving my brother some.
I don't need that fattening shit.
I'm on Zoloft.
Lets go kill ourselves and blame it on the meds huh?
God I love that.
I'm so fucking tired. I think I'll sleep for five days.
Gotta tell Lukas <3 he's my bestie.
Fuck everyone else.
Old friends and new friends.
Fuck them.
All of them.
I don't need them.
I miss Kelsey.
She texted me.
I wanted to ask if she reads this.
Hey Kelse don't be shy talk to me.
Fuck I'm done.
Bullet is on.
I want a gun.
Maybe if I acquire one I can stop taking these fucking pills and actually kill myself.
Wouldn't that be just lovely?
<3 stay strong