Saturday, November 30, 2013

When I die set me free

I think it's safe to say I'm actively ruining my life bit by bit.
Talked to my mom twenty minutes ago and I told her I'm not ready for college.
She told me it's fine she'd talk to Dad and she said I'll just wait until fall to register for classes.
Like it's that easy and this doesn't mean I've failed her again.
I'm fucking everything up.
A year from now if I'm not dead or hospitalized I will be sitting in this same room in this exact spot blogging about how much I want to die but too guilty to do anything about it.
When I was at least entertaining the notion of going to college next semester I felt like I was getting somewhere or trying to so it counted for something.
Now I'm just this pathetic sack of shit feeling sorry for myself.
I've fucked up so badly.
All I want to do is die.
I can't even pretend to be okay anymore I'm just done.
I've been snorting my oxy.
Not often because it hurts like a bitch but I promised myself it wouldn't get this bad.
I'm almost out of pills though so it's not like it matters.
That bottle had sixty days worth of oxy in it and I went through it in what eighteen?
I'm hurting Lukas with all my talk of suicide and substance abuse.
I hate myself for it.
He deserves better.
I wish I could be better but I can't so I give the fuck up.
Maybe I'll get into a fatal car accident or something and stop ruining everyone's lives.
Wouldn't that just be wonderful?
I'll put it on my Christmas list.

Giving up

Lately I've been finding triggers in everything.
Nothing that anyone says or does makes me feel better.
My arms are looking more and more like ugly blank canvases mocking me for not having the courage to carve them into art.
Everything feels that way to me now.
I cannot stand these faded scars.
Looking at them only makes me want to peel the flesh from my bones.
This is just another way for me to escape my responsibilities.
All of this has always been my cowardly way of saying I'm sorry.
But it just isn't good enough anymore.
None of this will ever be good enough.
I'm done trying.
The energy it would take to even attempt the things that I thought I wanted in life is far greater than I could wish to have.
Since the moment this all occurred to me I've felt like I'm just biding my time.
Breathing but counting every breath until the last wheeze falls from my lips.
This might not make any sense to you.
I guess I should have just said I'm feeling slightly suicidal.
But that wouldn't really cover it.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I'm not entirely coherent.

Today at 3 I have a therapy session.
I decided really early on what I'm going to wear so to save me the five hour process of trying on everything I own and having a panic attack.
If I feel okay about myself later then I might post a picture because the outfit is really cute.
I'm wearing grey tights under my black skull cutout leggings with a pair of light blue jean shorts over top.
And I'm wearing a really cute over sized yellow cardigan and my grey and black scarf.
Going to do my hair and make up and everything.
I always dress up for my therapy sessions.
The only one I didn't dress up for was the first one and even  then I wasn't wearing sweat pants and I had my make up on.
She hasn't seen me at my worst yet.
Today isn't really a good day though so despite my dressing up maybe she'll notice how awful I feel.
I'm giving her a few of my blog urls and showing her some of my art work.
She seems really interested in my art and what I'm going to be studying so hopefully I'll get positive feedback.
I'm really anxious about college and my future though so i really want to have a serious talk about anxiety today.
Over the break I'm going to see if I can lose enough weight to be taken more seriously about my eating disorder.
So by the time I get back I can start seeing the psychiatrist she wants me to see that specializes in eating disorders.
Maybe I can start taking something for this horrible anxiety then and if I'm lucky go into inpatient for my eating disorder.
I sincerely doubt it though.
My thoughts are all jumbled right now and this is really poorly written.
I took some oxy this morning to help calm me down and I'm still debating on whether or not I should take more later.
I haven't told my therapist about the oxy abuse though so I probably shouldn't.
More later maybe?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


I've been debating on whether or not I should start snorting my oxy.
The 700mgs I was taking isn't doing anything and snorting is supposed to have better results.
It's better than taking a higher dosage but I'm a little worried.
I keep telling myself this isn't as bad if I'm just taking these pills orally.
So to snort them kinda makes it obvious that this is more serious than I originally thought.
Things have gotten more stressful lately and I could really use a good high right now.
I am in the process of officially registering for college.
Please don't congratulate me because it's terrifying.
It's just community college right now but for some reason I can't deal with any of it.
I don't even start until January and I'm already too anxious to handle it.
Making phone calls is upsetting okay how am I supposed to deal with lecture halls and studio spaces full of students?
My major is like a general art major.
Basically I am getting core classes out of the way and also beefing up my portfolio as well as getting any recommendations I'm going to need for Cleveland Institute of Art.
For now I've decided that until I can prove that I can handle college 15 minutes away that I'm going to stick with the closest major art school.
CIA is thirty minutes away and unless I can safely attend my classes without a repeat of every year of high school I attended then there isn't even a possibility of me going away.
I just can't stand not doing anything anymore.
Everyone I knew is now moving on with their lives.
Getting jobs and attending college and I'm just sitting in my room.
Blogging about how I hate my life but doing nothing to change it.
So I'm trying.
Or well pretending to try.
Going through the motions at least.
I need to get going on something okay even if I don't graduate from college even if I can only attend a few years at an art school it's something.
Important years of my life are falling through my finger tips like ashes.
I've wasted so much time already doing nothing.
I'm forcing myself to finally do something and this will probably result in a bad ending but at least I have my oxy to help me through the day for now.