Saturday, July 28, 2012

Life's happenings

Lukas is at Otakon with his best friend Vi.
It bothers me slightly because whenever he gets upset I can't really make him feel better?
I just feel like a really shit friend.
I want to give him hugs and hold his hand and just be there but
That's kinda hard when he's in Baltimore.
I'm gonna pester my Dad again to see if he can visit because I miss him.
I worry about him so much and I just want him here.

In other news:
I hadn't eaten anything since Thursday so I caved and had six strawberries.
I don't think
that's even going to make a difference so fuck it.
I was supposed to do that running everyday thing but lazy.
And it actually didn't make me lose weight even though I had been running/walking more than four miles every morning and restricting.
You know me being that person who needs to see results instantaneously.
Anyways this is kind of a shit post and I'm gonna
watch movies and text Lukas.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I'm a little sleep deprived.

I was watching Party Monster earlier and I thought "I could do that."
I'll tell myself after the thought that I'm too impulsive and it would ruin my life.
But really what am I doing now?
My right arm and both thighs are covered in cuts and it hurts so bad I can't sleep.
I deprive myself of sleep and of proper nutrients.
I rip my body to shreds; smile when the skin pulls and the little droplets bubble through the freshly formed scabs.
It's amazing how quick a wound can crust over.
Really the body is an extraordinary thing.
I don't much care for mine.
I treat it like shit and maybe I'm not as bad as others but I feel as though the life I'm living isn't exactly healthy.
Maybe I've been up for too long and have hit the lovely stage of mania that accompanies with my insomnia.
Last time I tried to kill myself I was up for days.
While mindlessly scrolling through tumblr I thought "I should kill myself."
So I tried.
I managed to write two lovely notes bidding my adieus and even cleaned my room.
Then I counted out 150 pills, separated them into piles of fifteen, and the proceeded to take them.
I only managed to get three of the piles down before the pills really started to kick in.
See that kind of overdose isn't exactly fun.
First you get the incredible head pain and become almost instantaneously delirious(depending on your cocktail of course).
The stomach ache comes later when you are sitting in the ambulance wondering why you didn't inject these drugs instead.
Paranoia, guilt, shame; they all wave over you at once and you don't know how to feel then because you are babbling unintelligibly over the phone to a stranger while slipping in and out of consciousness.
You are trying to figure out what wires someone decided to take out of your head because all the sudden you can't really think and everything is moving very slowly.
It occurs to you months later that hardcore drugs like heroin or meth would have been your better option.
The high would take away the realization of "oops I think I'm going to die".
Almost idealistic in my mind.
Again maybe I'll be more rational when I've had sleep.
Right now though if someone handed me a little glass pipe full of cloudy little crystals I wouldn't think twice.
And to those of you who read the full post of this incoherent dribble I apologize.
I didn't mean to subject you to this vomit.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dry eyes

Everything is seemingly falling apart.
My life no longer resembles what it once was.
I do not resemble the person I once called me.
The world keeps spinning and I cannot seem to keep pace with the things happening around me.
Lives of people I used to know are moving forward; as I sit in my bed and watch them go.
People who used to hold my hand and walk with me have noticed that I have become immobile.
No one wants to be dragged down by a recollection.
I refuse to stop them as they wave their halfhearted farewells.
I find myself looking back farther wondering where it all went.
The time has come and gone and left me behind.
The people in my memory no longer exist.
They have grown and changed; Rachael is just someone they used to know.
Someone they don't care to know now.
That is the past and their minds look toward the future while mine dwells in thoughts of yesterday.
What could have been; who I could have been, the ideas of possibilities that long ago stopped being possible.
They plague my thoughts and hold my mind captive.
Who are you now?
Do you live your life the way you had hoped, or do those hopes differ now?
What is it like to wake up every day and face the world with your eyes?
Is it enjoyable; more so than it was when I was in it?
Your world, has it altered so much that I wouldn't recognize it; that I'd no longer have a place in it?
Have your dreams come true or have you left them in favor for new ones?
Who are the people that hold your heart; the ones you hold dear?
Who are those that occupy your thoughts?
Are they pleasant; your thoughts?
Have the anchors that damned your heart; made it too heavy to carry, have they released you finally?
Has your suffering been vanquished or is their a lingering ache in your chest?
Has your life been deemed worth while; or do you still search for death's hand to comfort you?
Are you satisfied with the person you've become or have you yet to discover the feeling of being whole?
Who are you now that me and my life's happenings do not effect yours?
What kind of person have you become?
Something in me wants the answers you could provide.
But another part of me wants to let the sleeping dog lie.
Why bring up unsettling feelings for both parties by inquiring what I might not want to know?
Why drag you back to the time I miss most; if in fact, you no longer feel that they were your best days?
Who am I to bring about painful memories you vowed to forget long ago?
Who am I to ask these things of you?
Who am I to ask you to share the things in your life?
I being the one who supposedly stopped caring long ago.
I think that's the main issue for me.
I never stopped caring.
Do you know that or are these thoughts only disturbing my slumber?
Whether you sleep peacefully or not,
I decided to let the past remain.
Maybe I will miss the opportunity to hold the place at your side again; but it's something I'm willing to give up if it means potential happiness for you.
I will always wonder.
But I will not shed tears for the memories I cherish.
I will not disrupt your peace in favor of my own gross curiosity.
I will dwell only in my own mind.
It may hurt me.
But I hope maybe; just maybe, you are able to smile now.