Cold

It's snowing again.
My fingers feel like ice.
I feel sort of sluggish today.
My head is full of icy water.
It's heavy.
My thinking isn't clear.
I keep seeing things that aren't there.
Flashbacks are killing me.
I had a nightmare I've never had before last night.
I hate being touched.
I can't stand it.
I woke up shaking.
I couldn't breathe.
My skin was crawling.
I wanted to rip it off but there were too many people around this morning.
I ate too much.
160 calories.
No fat.
I feel like I've ballooned.
I need a cigarette.
I've been watching Black Swan.
I love her body.
But all these sex scenes make me feel disgusting.
I think I'll make coffee.
I mean it's just more calories but the caffeine will kill my hunger pains and boost my metabolism.
And it'll only be thirty five or so calories.
No fat.
I feel terrified of food today.
This doesn't really happen all that often.
Fuck.
I'm just going to go make coffee.
And stay away from my brother.
And just people in general.
<3 Stay strong
CHEERS

I miss Lukas

I got one text today.
One.
In about twenty minutes I'm saying fuck it and going the fuck to sleep after I cut.
Today fucking sucks.
I hate that I twitch.
I hate how fat and disgusting I am.
I hate me.
I hate everything about me.
I wish I could just find my fucking pills and take them.
I promised I wouldn't.
Lukas said he'd kill me.
Fuck.
<3 stay strong.
CHEERS
P.S.
Stay strong took on a whole new meaning after the third suicide attempt now it means don't try and kill yourself. Don't take all those fucking pills. Don't try and slit your wrists open. Don't try and hang yourself. Don't try and jump in front of moving cars. No jumping off buildings. I don't have a gun but if I did it would be no blowing my fucking brains out. Dear god if I had a gun I'd be dead by now. Fuck. God I wish I had a gun.

138.9lbs

I painted my nails.
Now I'm cutting because I'm a royal fuck up.
Php isn't bad.
Oh wait forgot to tell you.
Yeah I have out patient therapy.
In which I'm forced to go in and attend groups.
Yes it is exactly as you think it is.
Except.
I have friends from inpatient there.
Which makes me feel better.
I won't get better.
I'll probably spin my bullshit fake my smiles and lie my way through this shit.
I'm never getting better.
I was three days cut free. Oops.
I fuck everything up.
Lukas makes me feel amazing about myself.
If it weren't for him I would be dead.
Even if Dad would have found me after I took the pills.
I would have killed myself after.
He's probably the only reason I'm still alive right now.
I mean I love my family and Samantha but I don't talk to them.
Lukas is just the person who gets it and doesn't expect me to get better right away.
He doesn't expect anything of me.
He asks little things like "Try not to purge today."
And I can manage that but everything else everyone is asking is overwhelming.
It's suffocating and I can't breathe.
I wouldn't be sitting here with an exact-o knife in hand and a razor blade beside me if it was easy for me.
It's funny because people expect me to just stop self harming.
Well why don't you go ask that pack-a-day smoker over there to stop smoking right now?
They expect the pills to start taking effect in two days and for me to magically stop feeling suicidal.
No it doesn't work that way.
Sweetheart(s) I have been fantasizing about putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger for years.
I love to imagine my brain juicies splattering all over Dad's precious white carpeting.
I wish that we get into a car accident ever time I'm in the car.
I want to be the only one that dies and I want to go through the fucking windshield.
I want them to scrape my mangled body off the asphalt.
And they think this is me getting better?
The fucking doctors just ignore me when I say I hate the goddamn zoloft so why tell them?
Fuck it.
Why tell them a goddamn thing if they never bother to even listen?
No
one
is
listening.
Ever.
I promise.
Don't let yourself get fooled because they don't actually give a fuck about you.
You are just dollar signs baby. Nothing else.
 That's to the doctors and the business world.
But.
To Lukas.
I'm just someone to text until 4:00am.
It's magical.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS
P.S.
Dad took me out to dinner because he was a jackass and I had to eat a full meal so fingers crossed for the scale tomorrow.

141.2lbs

So close to the 130's I can almost taste it.
Dad knows I didn't eat dinner last night because I was too busy talking to Lukas to stage it.
But he forgot.
So it's all good.
Breakfast this morning was yogurt:80 calories shared with my Honey.
It's so cute. She absolutely loves yogurt.

In other news since I've been so busy talking to Lukas I haven't had time to cut.
So I'm officially two days cut free.
But.
I think my cuts are infected.
Yay.
This kid is amazing.
I'd share the love but you can't have him.

I miss Samantha.
She was supposed to visit me this weekend but Dad said no.
I haven't seen her since before my second suicide attempt.
It feels like forever when you've been friends for fourteen years and you were used to seeing each other every weekend.
It hurts my heart not to see her.
She sounded near tears when I talked to her last.
I don't blame her.
I've hurt her so fucking much.
I'm a horrible friend.
I'm going to listen to old music and wait for Lukas to wake up from his nap and try not to cry.

<3 I love you
Stay strong lovies
CHEERS