Friday, January 13, 2012


and contemplating suicide.
I didn't eat anything today.
Had a small glass of water to swallow my topamax and a vitamin water zero because I felt dehydrated.
Cut again.
Early this morning.
Smoked ten minutes ago.
I've officially gotten into the habbit of putting my cigarette out on my wrist.
My right wrist not the left.
I'm so triggered all the time.
I wake up and it's triggering.
I want to smoke again but I can't.
My head hurts and so does my throat.
My chest hurts for some reason.
Maybe I'm not supposed to smoke with my meds.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Burn is so tiny and didn't even hurt that badly.
Going to smoke one more cigarette and burn over the same spot and then go to bed.
Sorry I'm such a fuck up.
Hope my cuts heal for the physical a week from today.
Whatever doesn't matter either way.
<3 stay strong
Topamax the migraine meds I'm on make you lose weight so fucking excited.


I'm normal.
Apparently it's normal to wish for death.
To basically drop out of school due to a random onset of twitches.
It's normal to want to rip your skin off.
I'm going to.
I can't wait.
It's been so long since I've picked up my razor blade.
Beginning of December at school was the last time.
And I lost my favorite fucking blade.
Oh well I have another one.
And I'll acquire more when I go to mom's house.
I get this tingling feeling in my stomach when I think about seeing my own blood leak out onto the floor.
And I've got a new little secret helper.
It's a blood thinner.
I bleed a fuck ton more.
Without having to do anything.
And I'm smoking again.
Stole a pack from Mom.
I couldn't wait.
So I took one pack and so far since I've been home I've only smoked three.
God I'm such a fuck up.
Sorry I've been gone for so long.
Sorry I can't even apologize properly.
I'm such a fuck up.
I've been maintaining.
Up until today that is.
I had lost 5 pounds.
I ate today way more than I should have but I ate out with Dad so as to avoid a fight and that was this morning.
Haven't eaten since.
Maybe I'll attack the elliptical while I listen to Sleeping With Sirens and Say Anything tonight.
There is something really fucking wrong with me.
I don't care anymore.
Who the fuck cares?
I'm throwing it out the fucking window.
All the fucks I used to give are gone so sorry.
I'm done.
There is no more trying to be better for other people's sake.
I am wagging a war with myself because I need to.
There is this manic fight going on in my head right now.
All I hear and see are pictures of blood.
Faceless nameless people bleeding all over the floor.
It makes my breath stick in my throat.
I'm a fucking psycho.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS