Saturday, February 4, 2012

If you're reading this...

I wonder if Kelsey found this again.
I wonder if she knows I tried to kill myself.
I wonder if she reads this shit.
I miss her.
Is that still possible?
Goddamnit what the fuck is wrong with me?
It's been HOW many years?
What the fuck?
Why am I crying over this shit?
Why do I cut when I look at pictures of her?
This is just pathetic.
I wonder if she remembers that she called me that.
That's carved into my arm.
It's now a scar.
I'm so fucked up now.
She gets better and I just get worse.
And worse.
I have 110 this time.
As of right now.
My dog is worried.
She has every right to be.
I'm going to kill myself.
Probably tonight.
I plan on getting the rest of my lexapro and a bunch of tylenol(cause you know that's a favorite of mine).
They are in the cabinet down stairs.
It fucking sucks because Dad's been so nice to me.
He bought me cheesecake with caramel sauce from my favorite restaurant.
And I can't eat it because I haven't eaten today.
And for the passed two weeks I've been living off apple sauce and green tea with honey.
My life is so fucked.
God what is wrong with me?
I have One Last Breath by Creed on repeat because I'm a fucking freak.
I hate myself.
So fucking much.
I'm such a fat whore.
I'm reading her note.
The last note she wrote me.
It's in one of my earlier posts.
She asked if it was worth it to grow closer and watch us bother wither away to nothing.
I'm the only one who is nothing Kelsey.
You are just so beautiful and so fucking perfect.
I wish I could have known you for longer.
I loved those days.
I didn't want to die so much back then.
I always loved you and I never stopped.
No matter how much I wanted to hate you I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
I lost everything when I lost you.
I lost who I was and everything I liked about myself just disappeared.
You were my whole world.
You still are a piece of me.
My biggest regret was not holding onto you when you needed me most.
Back in Spetember of freshman year.
I KNOW you needed me.
And instead I pushed you away.
I'm so sorry.
More for me than for you.
I saved you Kelsey.
You would have died next to me.
Now I'm the only one that's going to die.
Everything worked out okay.
I loved you more than me.
I still love you more than me.
<3 goodbye. To you and my followers.
You're all so beautiful I just can't do it anymore.
Stay strong and please I hope you all recover someday. Fuck this disease.