Saturday, April 28, 2012

I try

Really hard not to kill myself.
It's a struggle to wake up in the morning.
To force myself out of bed.
I purged fourteen times yesterday.
It was just a normal day for me.
Get up.
Eat more.
Purge more.
Cut more.
Over and over and over again. It just never ends. I do this constantly.
My throat is so swollen right now it's so hard to breathe.
I wish I would stop.
My lungs should stop working.
Just shut down.
I'm so tired,
So so tired.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It is killing me

First before I get into this post I want to say to you all:
I love you.
I do.
Those who have been there since I started this blog and those who had joined more recently I want you all to know that you mean very much to me.
That being said.
If any of you ever need any kind of help or anything at all you know how to get in touch with me okay?
I don't want anyone to hesitate.
I will try my best to help even though I am not a professional.
I can always help you find professionals if that's what you want or just be a shoulder to lean on.
There are so few now for many of us that we need all the friends we can get.
And that is what I would be to anyone who needs it.
A friend.

I almost asphyxiated on my own vomit in the shower today.
I was purging and I got vomit stuck in my throat.
Needless to say I'm still here but it opened my eyes to a few things.
One being this will probably kill me faster than starvation.
I will probably be found in a pool of blood and vomit and it will not be pretty.
Two being I have really fucked up my body already.
I have a heart that likes to teeter totter and beat out of tune.
I have a live that cannot process toxins anymore.
If I have alcohol or Tylenol my liver could start to fail.
I have a digestive system that likes to not digest.
I have a stomach lining that is faulty.
I have scarred yellowing skin.
I have eyes that used to see perfectly but now only see half of whats there and some things that aren't real.
I have a brain that doesn't function properly least I be doped up on proper meds and who exactly knows what those could be?
I have lungs that seem to be tired after a few short breaths.
I have a throat that is constantly swollen and ripped.
A mouth that burns and tastes of bile.
I have teeth that are sensitive to both hot and cold.
I have gums that are receding and bleed at the slightest touch.
Achy joint that don't move well.
A twitch in my neck and arm and torso that are probably related to my nonexistent eating disorder.
I have a faulty body and a broken mind.
I need a little more fixing than doctors could possibly do.
I am dying.
Right now.
With each heart beat I get closer.
Technically you could argue that he/she/it and you are dying too.
I think I'm getting closer than he/she and it though.
Now you?
I'm not sure.
You are the one writing your story and it is one I haven't read.
You could be no better off than me.
But there is always time to change that if you wish.

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

or those of you still hoping for a future.
Hoping to escape the hellish world you live in.
Don't be afraid to press the buttons that might save your life.
<3 stay strong