Monday, March 12, 2012


I saw this number on the scale.
I'm getting closer and closer.
I'm so close to the 120's.
I remember when I was hoping for the 150's.
And every cell in my body tingles in anticipation for the 110's.
And the 100's.
And the 90's.
I've been losing weight so quickly.
I love it.
And I haven't been weighed at the doctors in so long.
It's going to kill me when I get there because the morning of I'm going to have to water load like crazy.
I will also wear like five t-shirts underneath a hoodie and claim I'm not wearing anything under it.
I am so scared for when that day comes.
It's in a few weeks.
And this weekend is a terrifying thought.
Samantha and Mom are going to make me eat so much.
I'm so terrified.
I have to get to the 120's this week.
I need to get there before they make me eat.
I know when they see me I'm going to get yelled at.
I just know it.
I'm so scared.
I don't want to eat.
I'm three days clean from cutting.
I don't want her to see my cuts.
I'm so terrified that she's going to make me pull up my sleeves.
I'm scared of everything.
<3 stay strong


I won't eat it but I could talk about it for hours.
Lukas and I are talking about food.
We always talk about food.
It's like a common topic with us.
I love food.
I don't think I understood what Marya Hornbacher meant until I got this sick.
The whole making love to food thing because food is the desired object of your affection?
Completely true.
I was very close to making a food blog.
Completely healthy one.
But a food blog at that.
Still debating.
I love food so much.
I don't even want to eat it.
I just love looking at it and pretending I can.
And remembering the tastes and smells.
I love it.
Love it love it love it.

Also I love YOU Ana Always There
seriously your comment made my day.
<3 alright="" done="" i="" m="" p="">stay strong

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I could cry

Samantha is coming to visit me.
I haven't seen her in so long and all i want to do is hug her.
I know as soon as I see her I'm going to bawl like a fucking baby.
She's my best friend in the whole fucking universe.
I have to be good.
I'm going to make sure I dress up and I look good.
I have to hide my arms.
And legs.
And I have to eat.
God my stomach feels sick right now just thinking about it.
I ate breakfast this morning.
Homemade banana bread which was fucking godly.
And a small cup of blackberries.
I'll eat a yogurt later.
I like restricting.
I like empty.
I feel good.
I stayed up until 10:30 am today.
I had a mental break down.
I don't think I cried that hard since Kelsey left.
I had tears running down my face.
That doesn't happen.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
I am so sick.
There is just so much wrong with me.
I don't even know what it is anymore.
I just know that my head isn't right.
And Kelsey.
She is happy.
And even if she isn't she has the strength to pull through and go on with her life.
Why am I just so stuck?
I hate this feeling.

I wonder if people don't know how to unfollow or if they got tired of reading.
Well okay.
To that one person who checks my blog everyday:
I think I love you.
Marry me?
I'll get you an elephant and you can name it whatever you want.
It'll be able to fly.
Because magic is REAL.
Okay I'm done.
<3 stay strong my lovely.