Saturday, October 12, 2013

Family. Fuck no.

Just remembered that Mom wants to go visit my Grandma next week.
That means we have to go into Gibsonburg and see all my family.
I am not thin enough to go see my family.
Weighed myself this morning and I'm finally back down to 139 but a week is not enough time for me to lose 20 more pounds.
Kinda freaking out right now.
My family always comments on how I look and unless there is a very visible change with my weight they are going to think I've been eating the same way I was before?
One thing about my family is that they fucking feed you.
You go there for dinner and you will gain about 5 pounds in one sitting.
There isn't really a way for me to get out of eating there.
I also need to wear long sleeves and I look so fat in everything I own.
Two of my cousins have been dieting and going to the gym for about a year now and they got so thin I cannot be seen around them being so fat.
I feel like I failed?
Last time I saw them I made myself a promise that I would be a lot thinner when I saw them again.
139 pounds is a little less than I was but that's still too much.
Way way too much I'm so upset with myself.
If I didn't think I would binge like crazy I would start a week long fast but I would binge.
Not to mention the fact that I will have to eat constantly around my mother and I know I'm going to gain.
There is nothing more terrifying to me right now than gaining weight.
I haven't even eaten today but I'm so bloated.
Now I'm also really anxious so I'm afraid I won't be able to eat or if I do eat I'll have to purge.
I only purge when I eat too much of a safe food (i.e. three mugs-always eaten in a mug- of cheerios in less than a 24 time span) or I've eaten a food that makes me anxious.
But if I keep thinking about this everything is going to make me anxious.
I don't want to see my family.
I don't want to turn nineteen.
I don't want to be forced to eat.
Can I please just sleep through the next two weeks?


Sometimes I look at all these girls I follow who are recovering and I get jealous.
Not just of their courage and the fact that they are happier but also the treatment programs themselves.
It may seem contradictory but I think treatment would be great for me.
Being on a locked ward has generally helped me in the past.
Picking out my meal options setting up a plan for therapy and working towards a happier life seems wonderful.
Realistically I'm never going to ask for help.
That's just not happening.
I actually need people to see whats going on with me.
For someone to acknowledge that they see my suffering would be not only justification but also a huge relief.
Right now I'm in charge of my life and I'm making a huge mess of it.
To have a person come in and see the severity of my illness and say "You need  help." is all I want really.
It's so contradictory that I'm getting sick to get well.
But in order for people to notice the danger they actually have to see physical symptoms and side effects.
Don't get me wrong.
I only feel like this on certain days.
Mostly I think only of the numbers on the scale or how many calories I've eaten, how my weight translates into kilos, when can I eat, is my current system working, where can I cut back, do I need to add more exercise to my daily routine or am I too exhausted on average is my intake low or should I snip a few more calories off etc etc.
And as I sit here thinking "wow I wish I could recover" or "she's doing so well in recovery!" I pop another diet pill and think about when I can allow myself to eat today.
Really it's an exhausting miserable existence but it's mine and I can't seem to get out of it.
When I think about how lovely recovery could be for me I know realistically I'm going to cry and hate it and myself and everyone who pushed me to recover when I get there.
But I also know that this constant misery isn't better and when I'm ready to I will recover and I will give it my all.
For now I'll subsist on Cheerios and frozen raspberries.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Actually trying to make changes wo a h

Going to try and be productive today.
There's a list of things I need to get done so maybe I can actually start pretending I'm actually living.
Versus what I've been doing which consists mostly of sleeping and eating too much.
Mom is coming in for my birthday and she wants me to get a bunch of shit done before she gets here.
Over the summer Dad gutted my room and set up some of my new furniture but it's still under construction.
She wants that finished by the 23rd.
I've already come to terms with the fact that this shit isn't getting finished before then but if I pretend I'm trying maybe she won't be angry with me.
When Dad wakes up I'm going to pluck my eyebrows and beg him to take me to a sporting goods store to get exercise equipment.
If I'm doing this shit I might as well go all out and although I'm about as athletic as a boulder I feel like maybe I can try to do something in the realm of physical activity.
Besides the whole going to try and exercise thing I'm also keeping a new food journal and I'm going to try and keep a routine.
I've been trying to establish some sort of routine in my life for years now but since I'm not currently attending school or working it might actually work for once.
I am also going to start making lists for things that need to get done or that I want to accomplish.
For normal people who actually do shit with their lives my list might seem pathetic but keep in mind I'm pretty much a fucking sloth.

-pluck my eyebrows (got like caterpillars growing on my fucking forehead shit is ridiculous)
-convince Dad it is imperative that I have exercise equipment
-wash my bedroom walls (they have like black scuffs on them from my old furniture ugh)
-do some fucking laundry holy shit I have the equivalent to the Appalachian Mountains in dirty laundry
-shave my legs I may or may not wear shorts depending on the temperature and my degree of laziness
-paint nails
-study for my drivers license
-straighten up my room so I don't have boxes of shit everywhere
-call Mom so she doesn't bitch that I never fucking call her
-smoke cigarette with Samantha (I miss her face stupid brat going to college and doing things with her life)
-find a link for Black Swan online
-write in food journal
-weigh myself probably fifty times and cry a lot
-also read Wasted

I'm actually very excited about painting my nails.
My nails haven't been painted in so long and I'm gonna make them all cute and Halloween themed.
And getting exercise equipment is productive in the way of weight loss so I feel like I'm actually working for the things I want which is super cool and something I never do ever.
Maybe my day won't actually be too bad we'll see how it goes.