Wednesday, August 24, 2011

75 pills later

And I can't breathe.
Everything is foggy.
I feel like shit.
I want to hurl but nothing will come up because I didn't eat anything all day.
Every pill was dissolved in stomach acid.
I found out a 'friend' isn't actually a friend after all.
Jason went to sleep.
I talked to him for a bit.
I don't know if he will actually remember talking to me because e was dead tired.
'Friend' hung up on me.
Eric was asleep.
So is Samantha.
SO is everyone else because who would be up at 5:12 am on a school day?
Yeah that's right SCHOOL.
Still fat as ever and I get to go to school.
It's isn't happening.
I'm too fucked up for school.
I want to go to sleep.
But I'm scared to.
I wasn't afraid as the pills went down two by two but now I am.
If I make it through this I need to be hospitalized.
I'm just going to tell Dad that I think I need to be hospitalized.
Nothing more or less.
Just look him in the eye(my pupils are fucking HUGE) and say we need to go get me hospitalized.
He asks why I'm just going to say we need to.
It's not right that I feel like this.
At all

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.

4:34 am and suddenly it hits me.
Just like it did last time.
Suddenly I need to go swallow pills.
Cut open my arm leave scars that won't ever fade.
Cut to see the fucking bone.
I haven't but I need to.
It's like all of the sudden I need to make a move stand on a tight rope over a cliff and see if fate lets the wind take me.
I don't know.
It's like all of the sudden in my mind it's RIGHT.
Like not having 30+ pills in me is wrong.
It feels wrong.
Like I need it.
No small person in my head is telling me DO IT.
I don't have that.
I have this need.
Like something gets under my skin.
Crawls under there and plays.
Rips at my nerves.
Screams in my head.
Makes me itchy.
Makes me want to bleed.
Makes me want to see if I am alive or just a figment of my own fucked up screwed up twisted imagination.
Maybe Alice doesn't exist.
Maybe Rachael doesn't either.
Lets go find out.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

40 calories

I like people's reactions.
I hate sex.
I hate being touched and being exposed it feels disgusting.
But I LOVE other people's reactions to being touched.
Julia likes being touched we will leave it at that.
She's a sweet heart and I feel like an asshole.
I don't love her and I know I won't.
But I'm going to stay with her probably until she leaves for college(if she doesn't take a year off) or when I leave for college. That's a year or two.
Eventually I'll have to tell Dad we're together.
I wonder if we'll go to prom together this year :D
I'm going to be her cute little THIN girl friend.
I'm going to continue smoking.
I know she won't like it.
I am going to get better at art and I'll be fine.
Not good.
Not okay.
I will be no more that 80 lbs when I start college(if the world doesn't end before that ahahahaha no.)
I will pretend I'm not dead inside for two more years.
I will be thin.
I will probably not survive but whatever.
<3 Stay strong all those who read this shit