Friday, April 6, 2012


He's amazing.
He's absolutely amazing.
I could gush about him for hours on end and still keep talking.
Yes Dad actually said yes.
It probably has something to do with the fact that my Mom understood and knew how much this would mean to me.
There aren't even words to describe how lovely he is.
I wanted to cry when he left.
I still want to cry.
I want him back.
I wanted to lock him in my closet(if it was clean) and never let him leave ever again.
His hugs are just gdfjogbfdojg and bfvfdnvfjd.
He has to come back.
He is not allowed to be gone.
No living in Louisiana is NOT acceptable I will not allow this.
And his voice is so cute.
I just miss him.

Okay so I'm going to cut and then go to bed. Night lovies.
<3 p="" stay="" strong="">CHEERS

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Katie sweetheart thank you <3

Lukas might come and see me. His Mom said he could
It's all up to my Dad.
I'm scared.
He said "perhaps" but I'm afraid of him saying no.
I'm afraid he won't let him.
I won't get this chance again for a long time.
Please just say yes Dad I'm begging you.
I need it more than I could ever tell you.

I was about five seconds away from killing myself last night.
Then I remembered I had to give Lukas his letter and I just couldn't leave him hanging like that.
I put my blade down and stopped cutting.
I'm still breathing but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I just need to be around someone who cares.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Blood and vomit.

I had a panic attack in the car.
I was with my Dad and my brother and grandpa.
They saw the whole thing.
I just wanted to go home after we went out to eat so I could purge and hate myself quietly but no.
Dad wouldn't go straight home unless I gave him a reason.
I cried.
By the time we got home thirty minutes late I was shaking and twitching so bad I could have been seizing.
I ran to the shower, locked the door, stripped, turned on the water and stuck my fingers down my throat.
And I purged fifty times.
Way passed the point when my stomach was empty.
Until my nose started bleeding and I coughed up blood all over the walls.
I sat down shaking and crying when I was done and just let the water run.
When I watched the vomit and the blood swirl down the drain I thought "Maybe I'll just slit my wrists tonight."
I know where to cut and how deep.
I have the right blades.
I can do it.
I cleaned up the shower and now I'm just sitting here soaking wet on my bed crying.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I just want this to end.
Lukas isn't talking to me.
He's upset.
I can't fix it.
I can't make anything better.
I'm fucking useless.
Kill me?