Friday, April 20, 2012

I will not lie to you.

don't even care about thin.
I don't care about thigh gaps or bikinis.
I don't care about feeling good about myself or buying a certain size of children's jeans.
I care about being emaciated.
I care about perforated esophagus' from forced vomiting.
I care about lesions that form in the brain and cause epilepsy.
I care about all the gastric and intestinal disorders and illnesses I can develop.
I care about osteoporosis.
I care about heart murmurs and palpitations.
I care about seizures.
I care about feeding tubes.
I care about inpatient stays in an eating disorder treatment center.
I care about the pain of my muscles eating themselves away.
I care about too tired to move let alone do those fucking crunches.
I care about too sick to live and breathe anymore.
This was never about thin.
Maybe for about five seconds but ever since then it's been about I'm getting as sick as possible because I never want to wake up again.
I do not condone this.
I do not glamorize or promote this.
I want to die.
I do not want to be model thin to show off ma prfuct bodyyy.
I want to stop BREATHING.
I don't think a lot of people are getting this.
I don't think they are understanding this.
I do not want cheered on how ever kind you are trying to be.
I don't want you to think this is anything less than what it is.
A very lengthy drawn out planned suicide.
Not attempt.
It will kill me and there is not doubt about that.
I do not require pictures of thin happy girls.
I do not require tips on how to get out of meals.
I do not require assistance via buddy because I am killing myself.
I do not want anyone to do this with me.
I am not sealing your fate and digging your grave.
We can be friends.
I can care about you and you may care about me.
We may talk about our hardships and the good times like real friends do.
But I will not help anyone starve themselves not only because I am completely and totally against that but because I am aiming for the ground not the runway.
I appreciate comments and I love being messaged.
But I will not and do not support supporting my suicide.
If anyone tries to cheer me on I'm sorry no matter how much I like you I am going to block and report you.
I am not giving you an illusions about what I am doing so please just respect this.
I in no way ask you to respect my suicide and I do love when people try and tell me to get help though I'm not going to lie to you that doesn't do much for me.
I am asking you to respect me and not say
"WOW great intake today Rach!! I wish I had your willpower!"
Because this is not willpower.
This is total and complete self hatred.
This is me mutilating by body limb from limb.
Inside to out I am killing my body and I do not want praise for it.
And when I say stay strong I do not mean skip another day of eating. I mean take care of yourself. I mean try and hold your bursting seams together because you can make it through this day and you will get through tomorrow.
That isn't strength.
Strength is holding onto your life even when you want to slit your throat open.
Strength is allowing yourself to eat today because of your children and your family and the fact that they deserve to have you for a whole life time.
Strength is trying with all your efforts to beat the odds against your happiness.
And by happiness I am not talking about a number on a scale.
Because in reality that scale is rubbish and it is just a hunk of machinery we are letting rule our lives when we should be with our friends and family LIVING.
Do not ever think of yourself as pathetic for wanting to be happy with your flaws and your body as is.
Do not ever think it pathetic to be tired of restricting/binging/purging/starving.
Do not ever think it weak to want to live.
Do not ever think you are not strong.
<3 Hang in there lovely people

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


I slept through dinner :D
I love it when that happens.
I got too tired.
But now I am up at 5:05 am and I'm hungry.
To start breakfast or not to start breakfast that is the question.
I'll probably start breakfast in a half hour or so.
Maybe I'll shower first.
This is a shit post more later.
<3 stay strong