Pills and pills and pills and more pills always pills.

I've been thinking a lot about those pills recently.
The ones stashed in my closet.
Also the ones Dad thinks he hid from me but are really just sitting in a box under his bathroom sink waiting for me.
I've been thinking about how nice it is to just take a few pills and go to sleep.
How lovely it feels when you take just a bit too much oxy and everything gets all soft around the edges.
Really if given the chance I would do heroin in a heartbeat.
Downers are so wonderful I don't know how I functioned without them.
And it would be so easy.
Twenty could probably be enough to kill me the script is really strong.
Maybe not even that many.
I'd just go to sleep and never wake up.
At the worst I'd vomit in my sleep (because too many pills does that to you if you didn't know) and asphyxiate.
Which would probably be awful and painful but hey if it happens in my sleep maybe I won't feel it.
I'm just so tired.
Everything is so difficult.
It's all just so fucked up and I can't fix it.
And I don't know if I really want to anyways.
Maybe I'll go back on meds.
I'm not sure if I'll actually take them or just add them to my collection.
I think I'm at 237 now.
Seems like such a small number but really it's pretty impressive.
Well I think so at least.
Might actually be enough to really kill me this time.
It's a nice thought anyways.

Update?

Remember when I wanted everyone to give up and stop caring?
I was wrong.
Never did I actually think everything could get so fucked up.
I'm tired and I don't know what to do.
Lukas lost his phone.
Actually it was stolen which just makes him another person that I can't talk to.
He's all I have but I can't even talk to him.
I got fat again but that's not new.
Really I think I'm just going to not wake up.
Upon waking up I'm going to take some oxy and got the fuck back to bed.
There really isn't a point anymore.