Saturday, February 2, 2013

Inhale to the top of my lungs, I'll be dying for this

My entire life I have been filing all the things I want out of life into little boxes and putting them on a shelf for later.
But later never comes.
All of the things I have every wished for or dreamed of withered away with my ability to function.
And for what?
So I can hide in my own self loathing and pretend I'm living a life I actually like?
I hate it.
I hate every aspect of my not-really life.
Hiding that's what I'm doing.
I shut myself away in these four walls and tell myself it's normal.
Normal to fear relationships and people.
It is 100% normal in my world to cower from expectations and responsibilities.
And you know what?
That's totally fucked up.
I have a panic attack and then give up on whatever it is that scares me.
I'm not going to recover anytime soon because I'm not ready.
But telling myself that the day will never come is a stupid pointless lie.
I have hopes and dreams and I won't abandon them in favor of a life viewed through a computer monitor.

I just finished a 75 minute work out and now I'm going to shower and make myself a cup of coffee.
I'm going to then go on an hour long walk and smoke my cigarettes.
I won't quit making bad decisions today or maybe even tomorrow.
It might take fifteen years for me to get truly better.
But it won't be because I'm running or hiding.
I just want to savor the feeling for a little while longer.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Love of mine some day you will die

I was outside smoking a cigarette and I thought that maybe death isn't such a scary thing.
The wind is really bad tonight and the trees looked like they could topple over at any second.
Storms never usually scare me but if any of them would this one would be it.
I kept thinking that it should scare me but for once I wasn't scared.
My whole life revolves around my fears.
I can't even go to school because I'm so terrified of people.
I can never be truly intimate with someone I love because I'm afraid of being hurt.
I hurt myself because I'm afraid I'll hurt others.
My future is looming over my head like a sword and it petrifies me.
Recovery is impossible for me because I'm afraid of not being sick.
I can't even feel my own heart beating because I'm so scared of being alive.
Death has always been a frightening concept for me.
Anything that is inevitable and unknown sends me into a panic.
I'm so terrified of everything happening around me that I shut myself into different books or movies and pretend that I don't really exist.
But for this one moment when the world looked like it was falling down around me and I should be crippled with fear I wasn't.
Dying isn't scary anymore.

Sunday, January 27, 2013