Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yea I agree, I'm a nasty fat ugly horrible bitch. You can stop reminding me now.

Sometimes I just want to die. I stopped wearing my seat belt in hopes of getting into an accident and flying through the winshield. I just wish I could lay down and go to sleep forever or sleep until all my organs shut down. I want everything to just stop and let me drown in my own selfloathing.

I hate that when I tell people that I'm fucked up they suggest 'fixing' the problem. Sorry Julia the problem is me and I don't want fucking fixing. I want death but hey we don't all get what we want. Sorry you didn't get the nice sweet girlfriend you wanted. I'm not fucking perfect, and you know what? I don't like me either. Look at that. We both hate me, maybe we can stop talking about that now.

Stay strong

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm back

First off I'd like to appologize to all of you. I completely abandoned you all, and there is no excuse for it. I haven't been hospitalized and I'm definitly not dead. I've been isolating myself. I used to do it all the time, and now it's just easy. I haven't recovered and nor do I plan to. At one point I stopped caring and ate until I gained ten pounds, but I'm losing them. I don't know what to tell you all. It's been so long, I've changed so much I just don't know where to start.

I haven't picked up Wasted in a month. I still carry it around everywhere I just haven't opened it. I stopped looking inside after I carved a large A into my wrist. The scar will be there forever, it's already been a month and it's still bright purpley red. I like the way it looks there, it reminds me that when everything else fails I still have my eating disorder, which I now realize is probably extremely bad. I'm not as depressed as I used to be but happy doesn't come often either.

I feel fake, if thats a feeling. I feel empty like I'm nothing. I've been thinking about death and the population and the universe and all that exists and I feel pathetically insignificant. Like in five seconds if I died no one would notice. The world is too big and death is too present in my life. I just feel like my being here is WRONG. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it's exactly how it is.

One of the best things about me being away for so long is I finally learned to suck up the Kelsey thing. She's gone for good and I don't give a shit anymore. It's like she never existed in my life anyways so why should I dwell on the fact that she won't come back?

Samantha has a botfriend. SHe's obsessed with him. Each day that passes I feel like I'm losing her more and more to him(which was another reason for my isolation). I'm trying to perpare myself for her leaving, but I know I'll never survive it. I just have to enjoy our friendship while it lasts I guess.

Ben and I got into a fight a while back and he screamed at me about my ED. He did it infront of Sam too. I had told Ben that he was being a lazy good for nothing shit and he threw my selfconciousness and my selfloathing in my face. I can't say I really blame him but I can'ty say I appreciated his outing me either. I think Sammy forgot though because no one has mentioned itand I'm left alone.

I've discovered lately that I'm extremely tired. I just don't want to live anymore and I couldn't give a shit about my figure(LIE. I can't stand mirrors at all and I hate myself everytime I open my mouth to eat something). I'm just looking for an escape now, which a lot of you will write off as complete bull shit(Don't worry I still love all of you and have missed you all so fucking much it's undescribable). I don't expect anyone to understand this. But I'm not going anywhere for a while don't worry =]

I'm dating Julia. She is probably a size eight in jeans. She wears huge hoodies eats carbs and sweets and doesn't care about what other people think about her. She's curvy and soft and her smile is absolutly beautiful. I love her so much. Problem is I don't love her enough. I wish I copul;d love her more but some part of me is holding her just far enough away so she won't miss me too much when I do eventually kick the bucket and take an early bus straight to down under(if hell really exists I'm sure I'll be one of the residence. Encouraging girls to kill themselves and not appreciating what"God" gave me and all that doesn't exactly earn me a ticket to the pearl gates of that bullshit fantasy called heaven does it? Sorry if you believe in either place I'm not trying to mock your religion just mocking myself and my own hoplessness. I respect the faith you have and wish I could have faith in something like that.). I wish I could have enough strength to push her away completely and spare her but I'm entirely too selfish and too damn lonely for that.

I love you guys all of you. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that you are all here. I love you all so much and wish I could be better for your sake. You are all such beautiful people and I wish you could all see that. Stay strong CHEERS <3

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Don't leave I'm lonely

I wish when you say that you have to go that I had the courage to tell you not to. Sometimes I just need you more than you know. I hate goodbyes more than you do I promise. Goodbyes for me are always permanent. I never want to say goodbye to you.

Are any of you there?

Friday, August 20, 2010

I gained a pound. Got blood taken and my arm looks fucking disgusting. I would have rather she stabbed me with a knife. Needles are gross.

Depressed again.
I miss Samantha. There's no way I could even begin to explain all the things I've been through with her. I wish I could run away to Jersey just so I can spend the weekend on her couch <3
I wonder if she knows how much I miss her.
I love you all. Goodnight stay strong.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Am I just really good at hiding it?

Why don't you see? Everyday I wake up and pretend I'm someone other than me. I put on a mask and smile for you. I laugh when I want to cry, I smile. My smiles are never real. They never touch my eyes.
I go through my days living your lie.
Truth is I don't remember what happy is like anymore. I have my little shadow of happy. I live in the shadow of happy. Like I can't live up to the expectations happy has set. Why don't I deserve it? Why is it so hard?

Why is it so fucking hard?
I don't have any tears left. I can cry but no tears fall anymore. I don't know what it's like to feel anymore. After a while of being slapped in the face and stepped on you stop feeling it. I stopped feeling it. It's like I am an empty shell. A glimmer of who I used to be. I'm tired of playing this game.

I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. I want to be able to cry when I want to cry. To be able to scream, fight, and bleed when I want to.
I want to be able to die when I feel like dying.
I secretly hope you will see just so you can come save me. I secretly want to be saved. I want someone to prove they see it. I want someone to just walk up to me and wrap me in their embrace and say they know, but it'll be okay.
"If there was a way, a way to go back to were we started from..."

I wonder what's waiting for me after death. I wonder if I could just watch you be happy, or if I could go back to being me. Not like a second chance. I don't want another life after this one. More of if I get the chance to live in my own little heaven forever, where I am who I was and everything is okay.

I want okay. I'd give you anything if you'd just make it okay again.
Come save me. From expectations and judgements and just give me back my okay.