Tea

I can't sleep.
I'm slightly dizzy and everything feels a little fuzzy.
I'm going to catch up on some reading and then do my math homework.
I'm almost done with tutoring I have this set of homework and then three take home tests to do for math.
I've officially completed English and Italian is continuing through the summer.
I'm just scared that I won't have enough requirements to be a senior next year.
If that's the case I don't know what I'll do.
I can't do another two years of high school.
Everyone keeps telling me "Oh Rachael it's not that bad" but it is.
I just can't do it.
And I have to make sure that this year going into school I look sick.
I'm so tired of hearing that there's nothing wrong with me because I 'look fine'.
It sounds horrible but if I'm killing myself might as well not hold back right?
So at some point tonight I'll probably go down stairs with my iPod and exercise.
It's hard with Ben sleeping on the couch.
I wish he would just leave but I need to get on the elliptical.
It tells me how many calories I'm burning and how long I've been exercising and it does more for me that crunches can.
My muscles will be screaming later today.
I'm only allowing tea because the passed few days have been nonstop binges.
I can stand this feeling.
I haven't been able to purge and these little voices keep screaming "buy laxatives".
Anyways.
shit post.
<3 more later. be nice to yourselves.
CHEERS

Maintaining

Makes me hate myself.
Makes me carve into my finally clean arms with my double edged blade.
Makes me go to the kitchen and binge wildly forcing myself to purge when I realize what's happened.
Maintaining physically hurts.
It makes me unable to think.
Makes me unable to concentrate on homework or anything really.
It makes me cringe when I look in the mirror.
The over sized sweater it is today then, least someone see how fat I've gotten since then number hasn't changed.
It puts irrational thoughts in my head.
Maybe if I don't eat for fifteen days...
Maybe if tomorrow I purge on an empty stomach and then weigh myself...
Maybe if I shave my head and chop off my foot...
Maybe this feeling would go away.
But I know better.
This feeling will not leave.
It will sit on my heart and weigh me down and I will be lonely and miserable.
Even if I do lose a foot along the way what difference does it make?
None.