Sunday, August 26, 2012


I don't feel like it.
I don't feel like me actually.
It's almost like I'm getting better but when ever I catch myself making plans I get scared.
What is this life?
This isn't mine.
My life is filled with darkness.
Sometimes it's horrifying but it's comfortable.
I can live in the dark but all this light seeping through the cracks is making me nervous.
I don't want to let people in.
I don't want to get older.
I don't want to get better.
I don't want this.
All the implications of those beams of light are everything I am so afraid of.
This is not something I can face.
Maybe something I'll never be able to face.
But all the sudden I turned around and there were those little hopes.
Those dangerous little thoughts that said maybe this won't be so bad.
The thoughts and feelings I can't afford to have.
I can't allow myself to believe that life isn't something to be afraid of.
The moment I do I get used.
Tossed to the side of someone else's prose like a piece of useless trash.
Only a minor detail to get the plot moving in their lives.
But then what happens in my text?
Complete chaos.
My world turns upside down and rearranges.
Everything is WRONG and in DISARRAY.
What is recovery?
Is it actively working towards wellness and health or is it waking up one day and realize your life is heading towards a future.
A future you didn't plan on living to see.
I don't know who this person is that wakes up and goes to school and eats and sleeps.
Who is it that wears my skin and talks with my voice?
These things she does and says makes others think she's getting better.
That I'M getting better.
But in truth someone else took over my brain and I'm sitting in the dark corners desperately trying to hold onto sickness.
My only comfort is my sickness and if I lose it I have to face everything.
I have to open my eyes and look at a world that I've been hiding away from.
I didn't ask for a purpose.
I didn't ask for smiles and laughter.
I didn't ask for interacting with people and forming relationships that will ultimately fail.
I didn't ask for all this hopefulness and wishing.
Optimism is not only foreign in my life but completely unwelcome.
I do not want to get better.
"Stronger" isn't me.