Friday, June 29, 2012

Sorry for my absence

I've been a little stuck in my head as of late.
I have trouble focusing and I have trouble really remembering what I'm doing with my life and why.
I'll binge just for the simple fact that I can.
I'll allow it to sit in my stomach and tell myself I'm a disgusting cow.
Severely punishing myself for it the next day.
I had been a few weeks clean from cutting and yesterday I decided to pick up my lovely Sherice again(my blade is named for no reason other than I like her more than the others I've had).
I didn't eat anything yesterday.
I woke up late I got into a fight with my Dad; who then decided to play nice and ask me fifteen times if I was hungry before giving up and telling me to go to sleep.

I just get a little stuck.
I forget why school even matters.
I do my work in bursts of clarity and then I'll just let it pile up again conveniently letting it slip my mind that I am on the verge of being a junior for the second year in a row.
My Italian project is currently sitting in my folder not even half finished and it's due on Tuesday.
It makes no sense.
It's almost as if I'm reverting back to sixth grade me.
The one that would play video games(why hello there PS2, DS lite, and Game boy Advanced SP) and read and shut herself out from the world.
That girl woke up one day and realized she had no friends and they might be a good investment(wrong).
My destructive habits are the only real difference; that of course, and my weight.
132 lbs exactly and a nasty little tendency to throw up the things I shove in my face, I'm a complete disaster.
So I've made a decision.

I'm going to try.
I'm going to shower first thing in the morning.
I'm going to put on suitable clothes for the weather and running.
I'm going to walk to the wood-enclosed park and I'm going to run(jog-or attempt since I'm so out of shape it's laughable) the trails. Come home and shower again.
Then I'm going to try and dress in some sort of fashion without trying on a million things; dressing according to the weather rather than how fat I feel( UPDATE: I've been diagnosed with BDD-Body Dysmorphic Disorder on Wednesday. My therapist doesn't think it's "serious" though but he can be a bit of a twat).
I'm going to paint my nails.
I'm going to do my homework.
I'm going to clean my room.
I'm going to do sketches so I can pain my walls and put my new furniture in my room.
I'm going to go shopping.
I'm going to convince Dad I need purple hair dye.
I'm going to start studying for my drivers license because I'm going to be eighteen and I can't drive.
Notice this list involves no food.
The food of tomorrow will only consist of:
-one coffee with some non-fat creamer- iced: 100
-1/2 cup of cinnamon apple sauce w/ 1/4 a nature valley bar-crushed: 122.5
222.5 calories

I'm going to start trying. I need to start trying.
Stay strong loves <3
P.S. sorry it's so fucking long oh my god
oh and polyvore, LOOKBOOK (sorry no current looks but I'm going to try to put some up when I redo my room), tumblr (the eating disorders one), and tumblr (the "safe" or photography one)