Friday, April 26, 2013

Really unimportant

My thigh is killing me.
I have a three inch long gash that's fair in depth.
Definitely not my worst but considering I was finally two months (give or take a few days) into recovery this is a huge fucking blow.
I have decided I don't give a shit.
I chewed a small hole in my lip and because I purged yesterday I'm afraid it'll get infected or at the very least continue to hurt like a goddamn bitch.
Amber is mad at me and I can't really say I blame her all that much.
She's upset because I never answer my phone or her skype or facebook messages and she says she won't come to me for help if she needs someone and its kinda fucking insulting?
Like I know I'm a shit friend I stopped priding myself on my friendship skills when I lost basically all of them but to insinuate that I don't care is hurtful.
She forgets that I'm human and that socializing in general for me is very hard considering stepping outside has literally sent me into panic attacks.
So although I'd like to be her pseudo-therapist it's impossible.
There's only so much I can take before her problems all become my problems and wind up triggering me or cause me to relapse so terribly that I get hospitalized again.
That's sort of a terrifying thought considering it'll be an adult psych ward this time and rather than filled with ignorant suicidal children it'll be filled with people who suffer from severely debilitating mental illnesses: people who obviously deserve help more than myself.

I restarted my private-ish secondary blog if anyone wants to join the reading list just comment or send me a message.
I haven't bothered to weigh myself for a while and it's starting to bug me so tomorrow I'm going to jump on the scale.
I've been having weird dreams lately and all of them in some way relate to food. They can't really be called night terrors at this point but they are getting more vivid and morbid so I expect a 72+ hour day coming up shortly.
I woke up at 2:15 amish and I'll probably wind up falling asleep at 3:00 pm again.
More later maybe?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I haven't purged in so long that I can't even get half of it up and so completely disgusted with myself.