Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I purged clumps of blood yesterday.
I had this weird feeling afterwards.
My heart felt strange and everything got really slow.
I had to lay down for two hours.
I'm shaky and constantly cold.
My nails are always a weird blue purple color(it fades into orange and my nails look like a sunset).
Despite the fact that these should be worrying I can't help but feel proud that finally; finally, I am showing signs of sickness.
And then today I got my period.
It's a month late but that makes no difference.
It came back and I'm in so much fucking pain and all I want to do is scream.
And possibly cry which is guaranteed considering I'm a hormonal wreck.
I don't think I could possibly explain the disgust I currently hold for my body.
The longest I lost my period for was four months.
I feel like a failure and nothing ever work out right.
No matter what I do I'm healthy or faking it or not sick enough or don't warrant help and I'm just so fucking SICK of it.
I'm tired of sitting here being at a health weight when I feel like the living fucking death.
I'm tired of trying to prove the fact that I have mental illnesses.
I'm tired of people scoffing at me when I say I suffer from disordered eating.
I'm tired of not having a fucking diagnosis to justify my self hatred.
I'm really fucking tired.
I hate the not knowing.
I hate the second guessing.
I hate the nights I sit here alone wondering if you passed out or just don't feel like talking.
I hate alone.
I hate everything about alone.
I hate the emptiness.
I hate the constant worrying if I did something to make you start to resent me.
I hate thinking that you could resent me.
I hate being alone thinking that you think these things.
I hate not being able to ask you if any of the things I worry about are true.
Alone feels like shit.
Thinking you resent me feels like shit.
Being alone with the thought that you could possibly resent me makes me want to kill myself.

Monday, December 3, 2012