Thursday, October 18, 2012

Apparently I'm not enough of a danger to myself for my medical team or my parents to put me into an inpatient facility. But thank you. I'd love to actually have a doctor tell me that yes I have an eating disorder after seven years of putting myself through hell but that would require actually telling someone about my eating habits. And I don't think I'm ready to give any of that up right now.
Like I'm sitting here just woke up and I want to purge.
I won't purge everything I ate because for the first time in three weeks I decided to allow myself food without immediately stuffing my fingers to the back of my throat.
I am regretting it incredibly.
It could not have been over 700 calories in total but my stomach hurts because of how full it is.
I couldn't even have a normal human sized portion.
I feel like that unto itself should be a sign to those around me that I cannot take care of myself.
But the people that love me would do anything to not see what they do and my med team would never admit they had it wrong.
I unfortunately cannot admit myself to any inpatient facility.
I cannot initiate any type of treatment for myself because I am not a medical professional.
Because I carry no PHD and have no recommendation from someone that has I cannot get help that I require.
So instead I'm going to get sick and hopefully someone will decide I'm worth of treatment.
Or maybe I'll die first.

Cut yourself until you bleed

I am discontinuing my therapy.
When I turn 18 on Sunday I am not legally obligated to follow through with any treatment.
Seeing as my parents can now only suggest things; such as going back on Zoloft, I do not have to follow their instruction.
Really I'm just scared and tired.
I'm scared of dying and terrified of living.
I'm tired of not getting help and feeling like I'm not worth that help.
I'm tired of people ignoring me when i tell them how I feel.
I'm tired of feeling like such shit always.
I've been suffering from disordered eating for seven years and not a fucking person has actually noticed.
I am not disordered enough to get a diagnosis and I'm so done.
I'm done with not being able to do anything.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I don't know why I care so much.
His opinion shouldn't bother me as much as it does.
I shouldn't feel so triggered by him.
I shouldn't feel so pathetically insignificant in comparison.
But I do.
In everything I do and am I feel as though I am nothing.
My massive inferiority complex is probably grating on your nerves.
I just can't help but hate myself whenever I see him on my dash.
I can't help but feeling disgusting about myself.
My heart hurts.
I'm scared of my thoughts.
I'm afraid that I think it's completely logical to kill myself over another person.
A person I don't even interact with.
A person I've never even had a conversation with or spoken to.
A person who has never been a part of my life has the ability to make me want to die.
I'm so tired of myself.