Am I just really good at hiding it?

Why don't you see? Everyday I wake up and pretend I'm someone other than me. I put on a mask and smile for you. I laugh when I want to cry, I smile. My smiles are never real. They never touch my eyes.
I go through my days living your lie.
Truth is I don't remember what happy is like anymore. I have my little shadow of happy. I live in the shadow of happy. Like I can't live up to the expectations happy has set. Why don't I deserve it? Why is it so hard?

Why is it so fucking hard?
I don't have any tears left. I can cry but no tears fall anymore. I don't know what it's like to feel anymore. After a while of being slapped in the face and stepped on you stop feeling it. I stopped feeling it. It's like I am an empty shell. A glimmer of who I used to be. I'm tired of playing this game.

I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. I want to be able to cry when I want to cry. To be able to scream, fight, and bleed when I want to.
I want to be able to die when I feel like dying.
I secretly hope you will see just so you can come save me. I secretly want to be saved. I want someone to prove they see it. I want someone to just walk up to me and wrap me in their embrace and say they know, but it'll be okay.
"If there was a way, a way to go back to were we started from..."

I wonder what's waiting for me after death. I wonder if I could just watch you be happy, or if I could go back to being me. Not like a second chance. I don't want another life after this one. More of if I get the chance to live in my own little heaven forever, where I am who I was and everything is okay.

I want okay. I'd give you anything if you'd just make it okay again.
Come save me. From expectations and judgements and just give me back my okay.