Thinking

I'm sitting behind my computer in my darkly lit room trying to gather the courage to face tomorrow.
I'm trying not to think about school starting on Tuesday.
Trying not to let the looming date for graduation bother me.
Trying to focus on things that are happening now rather than my ever evident lack of planning.
My future.
I never wanted one so how am I supposed to start working for it?
One day I just woke up with the knowledge that I'd have to work for things because I was expected to want them.
Expected to want to go to college.
Expected to want to get a job and possibly have a family down the line.
Expected to eat and sleep and do my work.
Expected to stop cutting and starving and hating myself.
Expected to get up brush off my past and insecurities and just keep going.
The problem is I can't.
And the closer I get to knowing that everything is moving on and leaving me in the dust the closer I am to walking backwards over that edge.
Backwards into the land of insanity and pills and gaping wounds that never seem to heal.
Backwards to the hospital or a grave if I succeed.
And it's daunting.
Knowing that other people are dealing with life and their issues so much better than I am.
Knowing that there are people who; despite holding a deep hatred for themselves, they still accomplish things.
I look at them in awe and jealousy wondering how.
How after all that time and energy put into their deep routed hate do they still have the ability to get up in the morning?
How are they able to keep walking when my knees buckled long ago under the pressure?
How are they able to do what I am not?
With each passing day it gets worse.
The suicidal thoughts were under control for a while.
Now they have tipped and are spinning wildly about while I try and catch my bearings.
A hold on something other than the gruesome fantasies.
To grab onto a thought that doesn't involve taking my double edged razor blade to my face; doing a little 'remodeling'.
How can I sit in class and look people in the eye and tell them that I am fine when I so clearly am not?
How can I face these people?
How can I keep moving when the weight on my legs has increased to the point of breakage?
There is bile on my toes.
I have small rips in the back of my throat.
My knuckles are sore.
My chest aches and I want nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up.
Maybe I'll have peaceful dreams.