I purged clumps of blood yesterday.
I had this weird feeling afterwards.
My heart felt strange and everything got really slow.
I had to lay down for two hours.
I'm shaky and constantly cold.
My nails are always a weird blue purple color(it fades into orange and my nails look like a sunset).
Despite the fact that these should be worrying I can't help but feel proud that finally; finally, I am showing signs of sickness.
And then today I got my period.
It's a month late but that makes no difference.
It came back and I'm in so much fucking pain and all I want to do is scream.
And possibly cry which is guaranteed considering I'm a hormonal wreck.
I don't think I could possibly explain the disgust I currently hold for my body.
The longest I lost my period for was four months.
I feel like a failure and nothing ever work out right.
No matter what I do I'm healthy or faking it or not sick enough or don't warrant help and I'm just so fucking SICK of it.
I'm tired of sitting here being at a health weight when I feel like the living fucking death.
I'm tired of trying to prove the fact that I have mental illnesses.
I'm tired of people scoffing at me when I say I suffer from disordered eating.
I'm tired of not having a fucking diagnosis to justify my self hatred.
I'm really fucking tired.