Growing old feels like you're giving up your soul

I'm so tired.
It dawned on me that I will be nineteen this year.
Two years beyond my expiration date.
Everyday the weight of that knowledge gets heavier.
Five years old was easier; safer.
I'm not safe anymore.
I've stopped eating everything but cheerios and some fruit and tea.
I purge almost everyday, sometimes more than twice.
So far I've lost 28 lbs in three and a half weeks.
I do not feel better.
Relapsed again but it's not a surprise really.
I am still not attending college.
No driver's license or job either.
Maybe I'll never accomplish anything.
I've singlehandedly ruined my relationship.
We're still together but I'm being awful so I wouldn't blame him if he broke it off.
Not to mention I have feelings for someone else and it's not like I attempt to hide it.
His name is Will and he breaks my heart a lot but I deserve it.
I've been fondling my pill stash and maybe one of these days I'll actually ingest them.
For now I guess counting them everyday is enough.
I'm very sick.
Getting sicker.
Sorry.