Scary

I know what you mean about the elliptical lying to me.
I usually double my exercise and figure I burned half of what it tells me I did.
And I know how frustrating it can be when no one sees how sick you really are.
I have visible bald spots.
My fingers were full of hair when I went to wash the shampoo out today.
I had been making an effort to eat 1000 calories everyday.
Maybe a half-assed attempt at recovery?
It doesn't matter anymore because it all went down the drain (or should I say toilet?) this evening.
It's scary how easily I can slip back into my habits.
I don't need any reason.
I walk into the kitchen.
Panic.
Dad has gone shopping.
What was supposed to be a day of restriction has become seven cookies- one crunchy, six chewy- swirling down with a flush and a stench of bile.
Not a binge but what is chaos in my claimed to be world of order.
I do not enjoy it.
That dreadful feeling.
I know after I feel calm.
I know it will only last for a few hours.
I know what will be next.
It will be the broccoli and white cheddar soup, a used to be favorite.
I will eat it in less than five minutes and it will come up in less than two.
My throat will feel as though it is on fire.
I will not cry but I will want to.
Then even later it will be a key-lime yogurt.
Only 80 calories.
I will after throwing it up grab a propel zero and hop on the elliptical.
Then I will make myself hot tea WITHOUT honey.
And I will slash each of my fat legs before going to sleep.
Tomorrow will be the same.